2002-03-05 7:08 p.m.

Online diaries are such an odd thing. They mean different things to different people. For some, they are a place to pour forth their emotions, an outlet, a road to the cathartic. Others are just quickly jotting down a simple log of what they did today. Some people like to complain a lot in their diaries�maybe this is their only outlet for this sort of thing? I am sure everyone who has bothered to look knows the one that goes something like, "School is SO gay. My best friend is being so GAY. I hate homework. It is so GAY." For many, their diary is a way to express their creativity through words and images and design. The list goes on.

People read them for all sorts of different reasons, too. Some readers will accept nothing less than the deepest honesty from a diary, like, "If your diary does not dig deep and shed light upon the deepest places of your heart, then you suck and you should die, you terrible distended anus of a rabid camel. Also, I hope your grandmother gets FACE CANCER and is EATEN BY HYENAS." [I swear that I read something just like this in someone's diary today. I couldn't believe it.] But, then some people just want to be entertained�they search for the modern�day version of television. [Have online diaries become the Reality TV of the technologically savvy?]

What I am amazed by is that so many people read them so religiously. I almost never read them, much to the irritation of my closest friends, who all have really cool online diaries. I surfed around Diaryland today for the first time, kind of checking out what people had to say. I did not get very far. There were some factors that prevented me from really reading very much.

1. Reading is boring and it sucks. Anyone who went to school ever knows this. Reading is for people who are depressed, who are sexually unappealing, or who are scared to masturbate.

2. I much prefer to talk with people in person, where there can be a dialog�a true interchange. I love people�I love listening to them and bouncing ideas back and forth.

3. There are not enough pictures in peoples' diaries.

4. The pictures that ARE there are lame because they tend not to depict any of the following: explicit fucking (including but not limited to ass rape), poking and choking, licking, biting, butts, nipples, close�up shots of hickies on the girl working at Taco Bell, etc.

Oh! HELLO! What do we have here? That's right, some breasts, pictures of my mom and her husband and my grandmother, and a picture of a penis peeing in a toilet. Three great tastes that taste great together. Take notes people, we need more of this sort of thing and less of stories of your boring life.

I think the thing is just that I like to write in an online diary, but I don't like reading them.

Dear mom and dad, thanks for the books. I am having so much fun READING. Seriously, this is the best thing ever. Nothing is possibly more fun than this. No, I mean it. No joke. Sitting and reading. Yessir. Good lord, I am spurting from joy over here.

I feel the same way about music. I have been in bands for a long time, and there is this unwritten rule that you are always supposed to go see your friends' bands. Why? Dear God, is this my punishment? I hate standing around and listening to dumb bands at dark, uncomfortable night clubs. Of course, the getting home late and not getting enough sleep is like feces�flavored icing on the cake.

From: Justin Winokur
Date: Wed Feb 13, 2002 08:17:34 AM US/Pacific
To: Jesus Christ, god, God, Santa
CC: Buddha, Allah, Yahweh, Muhammed, Snookie
Subject: I hate having to go see peoples' bands play.

What did I do to deserve this? Please kill me sooner.

Your buddy,

Justin

PS: I am FUCKING SERIOUS. I don't even care if it is like a super painful death. Please, just DO IT SOON.

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