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2001-10-03 10:49 a.m.

Tea is free at work. Hot tea as well as iced tea. So, I bloat myself with as much of it as I possibly can each day. Through months of this sort of super–hydration training, I have increased my ability to consume liquids manifold.

This morning I walked out of the cafeteria with three very large cups of iced tea. One was decaf, one was a black tea blend of my own making, and the third was the black tea blend with a special twist: some whole milk.

A lot of people commented on how many huge cups I was carrying as I walked back to my office. They all made comments about me using the restroom a lot. It is good to know that so many people enjoy openly admitting to me that they think about me urinating, especially here in our conservative workplace.

What amuses me is that they never consider that the iced tea wakes me up, or that maybe I am very thirsty. They fast forward their thoughts right off to the bodily functions. Why is it, then, that the same people do not ask me about my bowel movements when they see me eating a lot?

"God, Justin. Look at all that food you are eating. Your anus must be an endlessly ever-dilated feces fountain, a gastro–intestinal superhighway, constantly overflowing and gushing forth inhuman quantities of brown bounty."

Or at the very least:

"Look at all that food. You must go through a lot of toilet paper."


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