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2001-10-31 11:00 a.m.

Yesterday I borrowed Andie's van and picked up everything of mine that was in my storage space at my old job so I could bring it home and figure out what was what.

As one can imagine, moving all my stuff was a totally stupid experience. First of all, there were about 80,000 big dumb boxes that I had to carry all by myself. Second of all, it was freezing cold and raining as I was trying to deal with everything. The real clincher was when the clouds parted and suddenly it was as if Satanic fire lava of death poured forth from the sky — in the blink of an eye, a firestorm of painful heat rained down upon me and my stupid acrylic sweater. It was seriously no less than 5000º F outside. So, there I was, sweating and huffing and puffing and being Mr. Stupid Sweaty Mover Guy in His Gay Acrylic Sweater. It also took a LONG ASS time, so I got back to work late and then had to stay late at work. Sigh.

But, everything got better after work. Tollef and I went to see K-PAX, which turned out to not be as good as the Quicktime trailers led us to believe.

The best part of the movie turned out to be everything except for the movie. For example, before the movie, Tollef "accidentally" pushed over the butter dispenser, spilling gallons of greasy butter fat everywhere. To nobody's surprise, the "efficient", "super–skilled", 'high paid", "English–speaking" theater concession vendors had no idea what to do. I opted to not get popcorn after the Great Butter Fat Flood of '01, due to the sudden shortage of tasty butter.

Even though it was not salty or buttery, a large Diet Coke would have to suffice. And, OH GOD, did it. I bought this large soda thinking that the movie would be about 1:30 or 1:45, you know – average length for a movie these days. And, from what I know about my bladder (a subject I am very knowledgeable about), I could easily last that long without having to pee and only experience minor abdominal pain due to over–filling. Oh, but NO! This was NOT your average short–attention–span flick! It was over two hours long. CAUTION: SEVERE ABDOMINAL PAIN ahead. I was distracted from the movie by the stabbing, horrible discomfort from the gallons of liquid refreshment bloating my entire body cavity. All I kept thinking was, "For the love of GOD, somebody please help me! Give me a rubber band or a catheter or something!" Of course, I could not under any circumstances get up and leave the theater and miss even one second of the movie. I would rather have my bladder explode and then die from internal urine poisoning and forever be known as Exploding Bladder Guy than get up and pee during the movie.

Where are these sorts of things when I need them?

Ok, so after the movie was over I went to go pee. I RAN to the toilets. At first I went to urinal, but then it occured to me that if I was sitting down on a regular toilet, then maybe I would be more relaxed and pee LONGER. So, I found a stall and got down to business. I breathed slowly, calmly, and tried to keep from clenching. Clenching makes the pee come out faster. I wanted to keep my heart rate nice and low — relaxed. You need to know these sorts of things if you are trying to set long pee duration records. It ended up being a long pee, at 1 minute and 36 seconds, but nowhere near the epic pee I had in Sebastopol after seeing Austin Powers 2 (my record so far at a whopping 2 minutes and 10 seconds).

Me viewing a movie at the Sebastopol movie theater, historic site of the longest pee EVER.