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2002-01-08 11:17 a.m.

A lot of people wonder where porn stars begin and how they are made. I believe that there are two kinds of porn stars in this world: 1) The kind of porn stars that end up there through a twist of fate, a life decision, or they learn the art of that beautiful trade, and, 2) The kind of people who are simply born natural, pornographic humans. On New Year's Eve, I tried to turn my friend Meghan into a porn star (see #1 above) using a few household tools. Let me tell you about it.

The making of a porn star.

Any person who owns an inflatable plastic dinosaur toy probably knows about the most important feature of the toy: You can push its long neck and tail inside of its inflated body to create two pink, plastic, deliciously inviting dinosaur anii (anii is plural form of anus, I think).

Of course, anyone who knows anything would know that the most important thing to do with these luscious plastic orifices is to jam things into them, or, better yet, take illicit photos of people jamming things into them. Or, even better yet, take photos that would inspire people to want to jam things into them. This sort of image is commonly referred to as pornography, and the subjects are often referred to as porn stars. I don't know why. This is just how life is.

Meghan was little skeptical at first. Even the alcohol did not lubricate the situation as I had hoped. But, with a little coaxing I got her to double team the dinosaur with me.

I kept telling her to make it look real and believable, yet also keep in mind that people are jerking off to this—it had to look sexy, too.

Better, better. See the way she is clutching the dinosaur's front leg with her right hand? And the curl in her tongue is HOT, HOT, HOT!

Meghan was just NOT FEELING IT, it seemed. She did not get my artistic vision, I guess. Maybe some people can not be made into porn stars.

Luckily, Adam was there to show everyone how it was done. Adam is definitely the #2 kind of porn star—the kind who just can't help it, but everyone automatically and involuntarily jerks off, has sex, and repeatedly ass–rapes children whenever they see pictures of him. Finally, I was able to fulfill my pornographic vision! The day was a success!

YES! YES! YES! SUCK IT! You slut! You pig! JAM YOUR TONGUE IN THE PLASTIC DINOSAURS FILTHY LITTLE ANUS! It feels just like mom used to make! Can't hold back! Oh GOD, here comes Mr. Plumber now! Horf horf horf. HURBGLUGLGGLG!