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2002-01-10 7:11 p.m.

Why do people wash their face? I mean, what good does it actually do?

You see, it all started when Andie and I were brushing our teeth this morning and I commented on how much I hated brushing my teeth and how stupid and boring it was. She agreed, and said that she thought washing her face was stupid and boring, too.

I was stunned. I realized that I didn't know if washing my face was boring or not, seeing as I had not done it for weeks, if not months. I realized that I usually don't even wash my face with soap in the shower.

Oh yeah! People wash their faces all the time for some crazy reason, I guess. Why would they do something so boring? Andie said that she washes her face so she does not get pimples. With her index finger, she pointed at the few pimples on her face. This did not seem like a very strong argument to me, since she currently: 1) washes her face every day at least once, and, 2) still has pimples. I observed that she did not have pimples before she started taking her birth control pills. "Bah", she said.

So, I called Skot. He said he washes his face everyday, otherwise: pimples fiesta. I am not sure I understand, sir. What the hell is WRONG with pimples? Why do people hate them so much? I mean, hell, I love pimples. They give me an erection. Squeezing them is possibly the best thing there is on this planet.

Of course, I don't actually have any pimples of my own, so I have to capitalize on other peoples'. But, hey—this does not bug me at all. I am quite fine with it, in fact.

Do you see any pimples on this face? No. And don't think that one on my jawbone is a pimple, because it isn't. It is a MOLE. Don't be such a RETARD. Speaking of retards, wouldn't "The Humping Tards" be a good band name?

A lot of people really use the "stupid pimple argument", but an even worse argument is the "being clean is good" argument. Seriously, what is the downside of having a not–so–clean face? I asked around and found that, for many people, being "clean" basically comes down to smelling nice and being attractive to the opposite sex. (Except for Ennis from the streaming radio station Factory 188, who insists that he does it completely out of fear because "well, you never know what might have crawled over your face overnight." Ennis ROCKS. Check out his rad new song. )

Well, let me shoot down the cleanliness argument right now. First of all, I have a RAD girlfriend. She is brilliant, giving, loving, gorgeous, and everything I could ever dream of. She loves me and even has sex with me—and I have a dirty face!

And don't think that she only puts up with me and wants to have sex with me and my dirty face only because she is my girlfriend. Before I met her, I had plenty of attention from women who were NOT my girlfriends. In the last 12 months, I have had sex with six people—five before I met Andie and then, only Andie. And my face was DIRTY! So, that blows the "cleanliness is next to sexiness" idea right out of the water.

Plus, the best thing about not washing my face is that—unlike my INCONSIDERATE, ASSHOLE, JERK teeth—my face will never get rotted and fall off if I neglect to take care of it. It would not treat me like that. My teeth, on the other hand, will get all messed up and act REALLY LAME and rot out of my skull if I don't clean them. (In fact, now that I think about it, my teeth are really pissing me off and I am going to have to talk with them.) So, although brushing my teeth sucks balls, I do it every day. Twice. (I hate it twice as much, too.) But, I think the moral of the story is that people have empty arguments for why they wash their faces, and I see through their cruel LIES.

This is me and my STUPID teeth and STUPID toothbrush. Notice: Still no pimples on my face.