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2002-02-20 11:43 a.m.

The soap dispenser in the restroom by my office is seriously faulty or something. One might expect it to happily glorp out generous amounts of some institutional liquid soap which comes in gallon–sized bottles. Ah, but not this soap dispenser! It dispenses three things, none of which are the soap experience which I seek: (1) It mostly pumps out airy spurts of nothing, as it is almost always completely empty, (2) A strange brown chunky concoction which appears very un–soaplike and actually quite filthy and suspect, and, (3) On very, very rare occasions, a soap–like substance which looks and feels very much like a healthy (albeit room–temperature) glob of frothy semen.

Here we see Tollef's hand full of frothy semen. Ok, not really. But, it is clear from the photo that this particular brand of soap is surely used in porn mock–ups as the "next best thing".

But, just now it occurred to me that this is most probably a highly–specialized form of liquid soap specifically designed to resemble semen. Now, some people may ask, "Why would someone make a soap that looked like spurty ejaculate?"

Well, lets think about this. What do parents use to wash out the mouths of children who are impudent, foul–mouthed, or naughty? Soap. And, if a child is going to get a gullet full of soap anyway, why not make the soap look like something cool, such as a few tablespoonsful of HOT JUICY MAN ZYGOTE JUICE SEED CUM SPLORT GLORP hurgblubgrblrlbbgrugrb?

I mean, they could make soap that looks like something else cool, such as vomit, but I bet that would be difficult to pump out of dispensers.

Speaking of soap in mouths...Andie tells me that as a child she was punished for saying words such as heck, darn, hell, and for even mentioning copaphagenistic chatemites engaging in necro–bestiality. Her grandmother used to wash her mouth out with soap—but she did not use liquid soap! [Perhaps Grandma Nellie was simply unaware of the existence of the marvel of Liquidy Semen Soap?] Instead of liquid soap, Grandma Nellie actually physically rammed a hard bar of soap into Andie's poor, little mouth! [Of course, Andie insists that her grandma did not in fact ram the bar of soap in her mouth, but merely placed it there. Poor Andie. It is sad how she has reshaped her memories in order to erase the truth.]

Andie standing next to a septic tank cleaning truck in Crescent City, CA. As you can see, this woman is definitely repressing the horrible, soap–ramming truth of her past. If you squint your eyes just right, you can picture Grandma Nellie violating Andie with her soap torture devices!

The moral of the story, though, is that I probably need to start bringing my own soap to work if I want to get clean hands. But, if I want to start conducting mock child–pornography high–tech corporation restroom photo shoots during my lunch breaks, then I am probably in good shape!