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2002-03-02 11:00 a.m.

Lower. No, still lower. No, lower please. Ok, now faster.

So, at Harbin Hot Springs, when you want to get a massage, they have conveniently layed out a bunch of pieces of paper with descriptions of each massage therapist—mini–biographies. In a few short words, each bio sheet illustrates the style, background, and services available from each practitioner. Of course, each includes a color photo of that person. So, the customer reads about them all, checks out the photos to see whether or not they really feel like being touched by this person, and then the people in the office run your credit card.

The problem is that they only hire massage people who are hippies. They have pictures of stupid dolphins on their bios. They write things like, "massage healing set your soul free to have peaceful morning chakra nag champa yoga from energy healing earth wisdom" and such.

This stuff is to be expected, and is really no surprise at all. The thing which blows my mind is their names. They have names that you would not believe. Star. Rainbow. Liia. Pasha. MoonHeart.

MoonHeart was our personal favorite, because in his photo he had this peaceful yet deceptive look on his face that said, "Ok, now as soon as you relax I AM GOING TO PEACEFULLY AND LOVINGLY FINGER YOUR ASS LIKE YOU ARE AN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL STUDENT." I mean DUH, when you read the name MoonHeart, you know what you are getting. Obviously, you are going to get your ass fingered. That is why they take on these names, after all—the names are another way to communicate their sentiments to the world.

So, Andie and I compiled a list of other potentially successful names for massage practitioners.

• EyeHaveABoner
• FriendHater
• Hammer–Fists
• PetKiller
• BabyRaper
• Flesh–Ripping–Rabies–Infected–Talons
• Mr. T
• Fingers–Like–Syringes
• Dirty–Old–Man–With–Cerebral–Palsy

"My name is Whipped–Cream–Nipples and I will be your massage practitioner today. Welcome to MOLESTATION. TODAY WE FOCUS ON HEAL THE ASS." Of course, out of courtesy and respect, I have altered the photo to protect the identity of this well–known, successful masseuse.