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2002-03-13 6:15 p.m.

There are things that I like and then there are things that I do not like. Showering is among the things I do not like. Bathing and washing in general falls into the same category. Oh, and I can't forget shaving. It also sucks the fat one.

The enemy.

So, being that I avoid showering, I was not very surprised when I got to thinking about showering today and could not remember the last time I did it! My memory is not very useful at keeping track of stuff past about seven days ago, and, since I could not remember when I last showered, I figured it must have been at least seven days ago. Maybe more. Who knows?

I got dizzy with confusion just taking this photo. I can't even tell you what these things even are anymore, it has been so long since I saw them. I mean, it is like having Alzheimer's or something. I know that once, a long time ago I could connect these confusing and alien shapes with words, but now those words are long lost—buried in some dusty, no–longer–accessible piece of my mind.

So, it is pretty clear that the fact of the matter is that I am a smelly pig. Yep. No doubt about it. What blows my mind is that in spite of my extremely low hygiene standards, I have actually managed to have sex with other people besides myself. Real live women, even! Not even kidding here. In fact, I have done it more than once.

The thing is that showering is boring and stupid. I used to shower more when I was single because I thought I would never get dates if I didn't. But, now that I have a real girlfriend, I get to be as filthy as I want. Don't get me wrong, if she complains I will definitely clean up right away. I like to think I am sensitive to the needs of her sensitive nose. But, thank god she has never complained yet.

Here I am approaching the enemy lines and am almost ready to actually face the enemy. Note: This mint–condition Macy's bathrobe is so seldom–used it passes for a museum piece.

When I finally do decide to shower, I soap up and scrub as fast as I possibly can. Get one thing straight: I want this showering thing to be OVER like pronto. Today was no different. I think I must have been in there less than three minutes. I mean, it is not like I am very big—I weigh in at a meager 135 pounds. How long should it really take to wash my fly–weight body?

Ok, gotta go work on music for a while before dinner.