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2002-03-15 7:15 p.m.

Boris and I on the beach in Pacifica, CA last June.

OK, so Boris emailed me today and told me he had something important to show me. What could it be? Maybe he was planning to do his famous Pee Cannon again? That is where he pinches the disgusting tip of his slimy foreskin closed and then pees inside his foreskin until it fills up with pee like a huge, happy piss balloon. I have viewed this amazing act with my very own eyes, and I swear it gets about the size of a regulation baseball. The climax of the event comes when he releases his grip on that terrible, filthy penis of his and the pee explodes everywhere, hence the name, the Pee Cannon. Was he going to show me that one again? No.

Ok, what was it then? Oh, wait! There was the time he tied up this guy Robert with zip ties and rubbed rock salt into his helpless gothic gums and threw him—fully clothed in stupid gothic gear—into the hot tub. Was it more of that sort of thing he had in store for my eager eyes? No.

Here we see Robert a few years ago at our NYE party. Passed out on the floor with his stupid Slipknot shirt on and his retarded headphones, little did he know that he and his gothic boots would soon be visiting the hot tub.

Little did I know that very soon it would be revealed that Boris had something even better. Gee, if you would have asked me right at that moment, I would not even have thought there existed anything better than those things, but I was wrong.

So, the back–story is that Boris had been digging around his room and found a flyer which I had made a long time ago for our band. I had been sending out lots of press releases those days, and the thing is that when people get press releases from bands, they tend to immediately do one of two things: 1) Throw them in the garbage, or, 2) Ok, the truth is they really only throw them in the garbage—there is no other number 2. Sigh. I was aware of this painful truth while was making the press kits—getting the CDs and bios and photos and folders and stuff all put together. I figured that the chances of anyone useful ever opening these press kits were slim to none, so why not have some fun with the whole thing and include something entertaining, just in case a dumpster–diving homeless urchin happened to open them intending to eat our glossy photo and bio and CD, or maybe chew them up and use them for bedding like a hamster.

So, somewhere in the world, there are about 20 of these glorious flyers laying around in some unopened Spitkiss press kits in dumpsters or homeless enclaves. Boris magically found this one atop his refrigerator. Wow. I could not believe I actually made this. I made this. Hooray for pets and cameras and Quark Xpress! The image is a REAL photo that a friend of mine lent me to scan. He worked in a K–Mart photo lab and this REALLY happened this way.