2002-03-17 9:19 a.m.

We have a situation on our hands. Ingrown hair in progress. You better send backup.

Is there anything more cool than pimples? Well, let us think about this for a second. I will make a list. [For the sake of the discussion, I will assume that blackheads and ingrown hairs fall under the category of pimples.]

WHY PIMPLES ARE COOL

� They are full of pus, which fascinates one in the same way a mother is fascinated with her own baby. "This came from me! This is my baby!"
� You squeeze them and then they spurt out creamy goodness. Kind of like masturbating, but you can get away with popping pimples at work without being arrested.
� They are fun. I get insane amounts of joy from holding Andie down and popping her pimples�blackheads, whiteheads, hell, I will even try to pop regular pieces of blemish�free skin just for kicks it is so exciting. She resists and screams and pleads. Andie, this is what you get. Take it! Take it!
��They are free. No cost. Gratis.

THINGS WHICH ARE COOLER THAN PIMPLES

� Um...

So, that settles it. I got to thinking about this because two nights ago, I noticed something red, swollen, and lava�filled on my ankle of all places. Oh, what do we have here? There sat a festering ingrown hair, inviting�literally begging�for me to manhandle and violate it like a drunk sorority girl. How could I not oblige? I even took pictures. Actually, I took only the first picture. Andie took the second one. She really is a wonderful person for helping me with things like this.

This pimple deserves what it is getting. I mean, did you see how it is dressed? It provoked me with its inviting, juicy curves. It is literally begging for me to do this.

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It looks like we have our first winner of the Twin Towers Necklace. Tollef and I discussed this at great length, and we will definitely be sending one to Peaches Dwyer from New Hampshire, USA. She had a really cool story AND she sent us pictures of herself in a pose that showed how she was basically a sad and incomplete human being�unable to live up to her full potential for glory and honor and the attainment of nirvana�without this necklace. Actually, the truth is that her words were compelling and she sent a cute picture of herself. Hooray for Peaches!

Thanks super a lot to all the other cool people who are writing to us about these. Keep emailing us and remember: pictures and bribery sent to our work address help a lot.

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I called my mom on the phone yesterday morning just to tell her I loved her and the first thing she asked me was, "Did Boris really do that with his penis?" So, it seems she has been reading my diary. I explained to her that he really did, and that not only that, but one thing which I think I forgot to write about was that when he did it, he shot his pee onto Adam, who was showering (in more ways than one) at the time of the explosion. I hung out with Adam last night and he confirmed this fact�it was a long time ago and I was not sure if I was just having a false memory or wishful thinking or something. My mom seemed to think that I was weird and asked if I was sure I was her son. Oh, my sweet, loving mom. I am hoping she will come and have lunch with me today.


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