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2002-03-20 12:13 p.m.

Tim Walker and Andie during our trip to LA a few months back. Here you can see us thinking dirty thoughts (molesting puppies, raping nuns, etc.) at the infamous Theory Labs.

Yesterday I got the joy of speaking on the phone with my friend Tim Walker. Tim lives in LA in a huge warehouse/workspace full of offensive, captivating, and scientific mayhem known as Theory Labs. It is from within Theory Labs that he masterminds the sci–fi comedy experiment known as the Ministry of Unknown Science. Now, until recently I have only been able to watch the QuickTime trailer for this fantastically funny show, but last week he sent me a DVD (which arrived in my mailbox here at work...wrapped in Spider Man Underoos) of some of the mind–blowing material they have been creating in Theory Labs.

Highlights of the MOUS DVD include:

• Feeding third–world children to hungry fat people.
• Gonad fondling/electrocution. (My personal favorite)
• Blowing people up.
• Cool white lab coats, like the one I wear at work simply because I think it is funny.
• Making fun of Amish people.
• Scenes of my friends (including Tokyo Rico, the best DJ in the whole universe) being really funny.

I got so excited as I watched this that I accidentally spilled a bunch of iced tea on a secret prototype Mac in my office. I mean, no big deal, really. It is not like they are insanely top secret and hand–built at a cost of over $15,000 or anything. Well, mistakes were made...luckily it still works. So, the moral of the story is that anyone wishing to laugh to the point of convulsions and then destroy expensive equipment should immediately go download the Ministry of Unknown Science trailer here.

If I was not such a big dumb retard with a big forehead and little face and gimpy arms and Down Syndrome then I would not have to drink 85 gallons of iced tea and pee my retarded adult diapers and have cups all over my office that SPILL on my computers.

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Skot and I did a photo shoot of me in my lab coat and the HTs today. I think I am going to get some photos printed of me and the HTs to give out to people as gifts.

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Ben Burling brought me more Juicy Juice today, which was pretty bonerific. This is seriously a hulking and massive amount of juice, not for the weak. Thousands of apple orchards perished to make this beverage. Only the most seriously thirsty need apply.

Marvel at the sheer immensity of it. Does it scare you? Intimidate you? See how it towers! It is like a huge, mammoth erection, reaching out towards the heavens! Also, speaking of erections, observe the way that Arthur passionately thrusts his child–molesting loins forward, dry humping the viewer in the most lustful of ways.

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Looks like I have another winner of the Trade Towers necklaces. Monica from Astoria, NY bribed her way to success by sending stolen office supplies, including tea bags to make iced tea, a used spoon, hot cocoa mix, tiny Post–It Notes, and some pictures from her vacation to New York! What really sealed the deal was that she enclosed a photo taken at the Brooklyn zoo of some little, furry animals having sex.

Animals and sex. Two great tastes that taste great together. Hooray for Monica!