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2002-03-26 3:14 p.m.

I bought Adam a present yesterday. I knew it would be perfect for him the second I saw it. Why? Because every man that is familiar with the joyful longing for "loving" a woman (or another man, or himself, or the internet) understands the deep truth of this special product. It's perfection seems to answer a yearning, a question which resides deep in one's soul—a question that, although it is never asked or even consciously acknowledged, there somehow exists a sense that every part of you spends its days on earth trying to find the answer, in some way or another.

And now we need look no further for the answer. In fact, this Truth is available for everyone to share. You need only visit Bed, Bath, & Beyond and have an extra $20, plus tax. Here we have the most revolutionary product in the field of human sexuality since Kleenex itself.

Why there is a picture of a woman rubbing something on her arm is totally beyond me. Perhaps an image of some weird Japanese fetish? Or is this some weak attempt at soft–core porn? Also, I notice they forgot to put quotes around the word "lotion". Also, they would sell a lot more of these if the packaging made it totally clear that you can use this no matter which operating system (Mac, Windows, UNIX, etc.) or web browser you use.

What amazes me, though, is that how product marketing people can be so coy as to pretend that this is intended for lotion and not for "personal lubricant". Then again, maybe they are the kind of people that use lotion "when Jack comes to visit" because they are too cheap to buy lube, and they just assume everyone else is the same. I should write them a letter, extolling the virtues of real lube over lotion and other similarly inadequate substitutes. But, it hardly matters, though, as the end result is a true triumph for masturbators everywhere.