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2002-03-29 9:41 a.m.

As we drove back from our low–grade "Chinese" "food" lunch at Panda Express, Tollef and I had no idea that yesterday would be any different from any other Thursday. I seem to remember there being some music as we drove, some conversations about something funny, and some warm air coming from the heater vents of Tollef's car. It was another Thursday in Cupertino.

I was shocked when I got into the building 6 lobby and the receptionist said, "You have guests waiting to see you in building 1." Uh, what? What guests? Nobody ever visits me at work, especially unannounced. My mind whirred, trying to process what might be happening. Is there something I forgot about today? I checked my watch for the time and date to see if I had lost track of time regarding something...but I realized that I expected no guests that day. Oh, I get it! A surprise! I walked much faster than usual in anticipation of what might be waiting for me in building 1.

I arrived, out of breath, in the IL 1 lobby. I did not see anyone I recognized. Then I heard a hello. A young man and woman said hello and introduced themselves as Shaun and Anna. Anna had braces and Shaun emitted invisible waves of calm. "We are here to stalk you, today." They had read my diary in the past and were surprised when they realized that we shared a terrible thing in common—we all have been, um, blessed with the joy of knowing Robert Horrocks. But, that was just the beginning.

According to what they told me, they were touched by my entries about the horse testicles, penises, the lube warmer, and such, and they wanted to get to know me better. And, what better way to get to know someone than through stalking them, right? So, they decided to be stalkers for a day and show up unannounced at my work. What had I done to deserve such a gift from the universe? Giggling and smiling like a child on Christmas morning, I was giddy with glee.


Hi, we are Anna and Shaun, and we will be your stalkers today!

Just like Christmas, they came bearing gifts. Shaun brought a picture of Robert clutching his enormous black dildo, posing with the words "I SUCK" written on his arm. Anna brought what may be the second or third most appealing food item available on earth, a clear plastic bag, chock–full of strange and terrible–smelling organic matter, some of which was leaking out through airholes in the package. It bore the words, "DRY SALTED DUCK PARTS. Ingredients: (may contain necks, gizzards, wings), salt, sugar." Thank god, it appeared Anna and Shaun were smart enough to dig through the display and find one with all gizzards. This was a plastic bag full of the most incredible glory imaginable...but I must admit, as more and more of the strong–smelling duck liquid leaked out of the holes, I started to question how the manufacturer had the right to call these dry salted duck parts.


DRY SALTED DUCK PARTS: The most disgusting thing I have ever experienced, except for maybe the people inside of a Nazarene Church.


A not–so–surprising and completely average photo of Robert Horrocks lovingly caressing his huge, black dildo. I did not want to burst Anna and Shaun's bubble, but this picture is not anything special. It is, in fact, a very common image—anyone with $0.50 can pretty much pick up similar pics of Robert w/black dildo at the flea market, the liquor store, or those vending machines at the pizza place.

We chatted briefly, but it was not too long before they cut to the chase. They had cameras hanging from their necks, and they were eager for some photo opportunities with the horse testicles. I felt bad for not picking up on that sooner, so I ran up to my office and fetched the bloody, testicle–filled jar. It is important to make sure than one's guests are properly taken care of and satisfied at all times.


Shaun and the HTs.


Shaun has this way of making every picture he is in look so dirty. Look at the way he just barely touches the jar, the way your uncle just barely touches your crotch under the table during Thanksgiving. And look at the look on his face. So intent, so filthy.


Look! He is doing it again! That thing where he just barely touches something in the most dirty way imaginable. I want to take Pro Pervert lessons from this guy, seriously.


I like this picture because it says so much. Shaun has finally gotten past the coy stage and is fully manhandling the testicles like he has been dreaming of for days. Anna stands looking cute, not knowing what to do with her hands when faced with such blunt, public sexuality.

We talked, laughed, and got acquainted with one another. I was having a fun time with these two. They were the kind of people I constantly wish I knew more of. But, it was not long before I had to return to working, even though it was hard to pull myself away from hanging out with these two, especially on the warmest, sunniest day of the year. It is not every day that two incredibly funny, smart, charming, and totally offensively filthy people come to visit me at work bearing duck innards. They were twisted in such a touching, creative way. Whoever gets to have sex with these two must be so lucky.

Before I wished them farewell and returned to my office, I had a gift to share with them: The last Twin Towers Necklace. Their gesture of kindness went leaps and bounds beyond anything I had seen so far, and I could not imagine not giving them one. They were so deserving. I wish I could find more succinct words than that, but I think that such words do not exist.


OH MY GOD. Do you see that look on Shaun's face? This is the filthiest picture ever taken, simply due to the mere implications of Shaun's most slight facial gestures.

Anna and Shaun. These two best friends made my day. The world needs more souls like them.


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