2002-04-03 10:26 a.m.

When Andie is sick in bed, I get plenty of opportunities to take pictures of her being cute. Her suffering slows her down, actually, and makes photographing her easier.

So busy, so busy. I have barely had time to write in my diary at all lately, which really bums me out. Then again, I have not had time for yoga or singing lessons, either. Finishing up my demo CD and making sure I am home for poor, sick Andie has filled my time for the past few weeks. But, now the demo CD is finished, so I need only get it all together to send to the producer.

No matter how busy life gets, there is always time to lay in bed with Andie.

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My last two days have been completely consumed with this whole HT photo project�printing them at Kinko's, cutting them, signing them, addressing envelopes, sending them, and such. So far it has cost $90 in photos and $28 in stamps. I am interested to see how many I send out to people...I sent out 36 sets of pics since yesterday at noon.

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On a sad note, I decided it is time to finally retire my Taco Bell cup. For almost six months it has faithfully carried countless gallons of iced tea from the generous iced tea teats in the Apple Cafe to my office. Never once did the Taco Bell cup spontaneously self�destruct when I washed it in boiling water, like the old, green Del Taco cup did. Never once did it deviously pretend its lid was on snugly, when in fact it was not, and then the contents spilled all over me and my computer...like the red Del Taco cup has done more than once. It never mistreated me like the other cups did. And, when its delicate lid broke a few months ago, I did not simply discard the cup. No, I went to Taco Bell and got another lid for the cup.

But, I am pretty much a fickle and shallow slut with no heart and no sense of allegiance, and I have decided that it is time for a new cup: One which is bigger and gaudier. It is time for the size�queen of cups, the Carl's Junior "Jeff Stryker" model.

Thick and long and crimson�headed, the Carl's Junior cup is the envy of all less generously�endowed cups. Only a cup of this awesome stature can satisfy my nearly insatiable thirst for oceanic volumes of iced tea. See how it towers over the Taco Bell cup?

This is the fate of the Taco Bell cup. Discarded like a used condom after an awkward one�night stand. Thrown away like movie ticket stubs from a brief and somewhat forgettable relationship with someone whose name has completely eroded away from memory.

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I spoke with my friend Thi two days ago about the nature of giving. She said that I was too giving, and that it has sometimes even been overwhelming for her during the 12 years she has known me. She proposed that giving is a cycle, and that in order to remain healthy in the cycle, one must have a balanced amount of giving as well as receiving. My cycle, she said, was all messed up.

Receiving/asking for help has never been my strong point. I am not sure how to ask for help, or what I might even ask for if I knew the words. I usually shun gifts...I tell everyone to not get my anything for Christmas, birthdays, etc. When I moved, I did not ask for help from any friends or family. None of my friends even knew I was moving. The error in this way of being is that by never asking for help or being open to receiving, I rob my friends and loved ones of the opportunity to share their giving and generosity with me. This must change, but I am not sure how to go about it. I think maybe I need to get hit in the head.


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