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2002-05-14 11:42 a.m.

People are so funny about telling the truth. They always seem to come up with some excuse for what they do, rather just come out and say it like it is. I was IMing with a friend today and she said a perfect and common example of this—and, although I have heard the line she gave me a million times before, it never fails to surprise me every time someone says it.

Friend: I LOVE beer...not to get drunk though, I actually love the taste.

Here is what is going on: People say this so that way they do not seem low–brow or plebian—it should be clear that they have good taste and good judgement, right? Uh, HELLO? Am I the only person who sees the gigantic, obvious flaw in this line of reasoning? Beer is disgusting—beer tastes good like puberty is fun. From what I can tell, the only good thing about it is that it makes you drunk.

So basically, this is like pompously proclaiming that you love to eat handfuls of tepid cat feces (whilst playfully rubbing it into your gums and eyes and hair), but not because it is funny and makes people around you uncomfortable—a reason which clearly only the most base, uneducated class might use—but because you actually like the taste. It is like saying that you let a bull spurt gallons of bull semen in your mouth for that bestiality porn movie you were filming not because you were getting paid $1000 or because it is a cool thing to tell your kids about, but because you have the "educated palate" to enjoy the subtle, distinguished taste of high–velocity sperm shot all over your face like a crazy, cow firehose. It is like saying that you lick hallucinagenic toads or smoke marijuana not to get high, but because you like the taste.

If people could learn to admit the truth, the world would be a better place.