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2002-06-20 9:55 p.m.

Today I decided to get soup for lunch, just like I do almost every day. I often get soup for lunch because it is only $2.50 for a huge, filling bowl, and the cafeteria at work consistently offers a very tasty selection of this fantastic liquid foodstuff.


I thank God in advance for my kidneys and for the magical, enigmatic blessings hidden in their shortcomings and failures.

On this summer Thursday I chose soup for a different reason, though. Today's soup was cream of asparagus. Cream of asparagus soup means only one thing: horrible–smelling asparagus urine. It was going to be like one giant, asparagus piss–prom, with me as the piss–prom queen. In my mind's eye, I stood tall, sparkling, and beautiful with my asparagus–crusted tiara and the elegant, flowing train of my heavy, yellow, piss–soaked ball gown following behind me, billowing in the magical wind that blows from nowhere just for dramatic effect.


Here I am, prepping my pipes for the imminent blazing, hot, steaming asparagus summer soon to come.

I ate the soup. All of it. I even used my bread to soak up the last drops. And then, I waited. It was only a matter of minutes before the piss party began. I had already inbibed more than a gallon of iced tea so far today. This large amount of beverage combined with my specific soup choice guaranteed that my urine would possess two valuable qualities or features:

1) High velocity and high volume

2) The strong, unique smell of a certain quirky, green, spear–shaped plant that we all know and love: asparagus

Best of all, I continued to drink as much iced tea as I possibly could in an attempt to urinate as many times as possible. It reminded me of what they say work is like in the Army, "Grab a shovel, dig a hole, fill it back in again". But, instead of shovels and holes there is only iced tea and human urine and unhealthy levels of pungent asparagus essence.

What amazed me most was that even after emptying my bladder four times, my urine still smelled so strongly—I leaned in and observed it closely. It was almost completely clear—no cloudiness and very little color—yet it still smelled so fragrant, like a gardenia with a twisted sense of humor. I had to take a picture.


Do not be fooled by the clarity of this liquid! Although it appears harmless, take heed—dangerous levels of asparagosity here, folks!

Better than any vitamins or medicines, better than ham, better than having the flu—asparagus. I thank God for my kidneys and their inability to process this tremendous food, this divine manna.


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