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2002-06-27 9:54 a.m.

When girls wear thong underwear it is ok. When guys wear thong underwear, it is not ok. It is, in fact, sick and wrong. Ah, and let us not forget funny–looking. It was for these reasons that, when I had to spend a few nights away from home and ran out of clean underwear, I made the decision to buy two pairs of thong underwear. I mean, I like everything else that is sick, wrong, and funny–looking, so why not get some underwear like that, too, right? As I gave the cashier at Macy's my credit card, I almost wondered why I had not thought of this sooner. What better way to laugh at the things which I mock than to embrace them into my daily life and make sure my penis, testicles, and ass rub all over them? Thong underwear is not only compatible with this—it is practically designed for the job!

It was not long before I found out why thong underwear did not enjoy fantastic popularity. It was not terribly comfortable—it lacked the transparent feeling of boxer briefs. I would not describe the feeling of wearing thong underwear as pain or discomfort, but as a slight and constant reminder that my gonads were there and needed to be touched and squeezed. Normally I totally forget I even have them, but with everything bound up like that—nestled like in a tiny cotton bondage sling—I found my mind constantly thinking thoughts like, Testicles, balls, penis—how are they doing right now? and Is this how I want my gonads to live? and What is it buddies? Do you guys want some fondling right now? Is that what you want? Huh? Maybe some scratching?.

I tried to explain this to a female co–worker, since I assumed she would be sensitive to my plight. She thought it would be best to help me by drawing a picture of me in my thong underwear. Notice my name is misspelled, for dramatic effect.

The worst thing about thong underwear was not the constant attention they called to the important data in my nether regions, nor the fact that all my friends and co–workers made fun of me for wearing them, but the fact that the tiny strappy things worked as a sharply–honed team to gouge into the already deep division between my butt cheeks while also inflicting itchiness on my waist and sides.

The benefits of male thong underwear may outweigh the negatives, though: They are sick and wrong and funny–looking, and, they require the wearer to constantly grope, rearrange, fondle, fiddle with, and squeeze their genitals. What other product offers such a battery of useful features? Even considering the shortcomings, how can one not marvel at this modern–day incarnation of the timeless codpiece? I think the key to successful male thong underwear usage is to only wear them for occasions where constant auto–erotic gonad squeezing is acceptable, such as church, job interviews, before, during, and after handling food, and when giving important public speeches.