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2002-11-26 5:36 p.m.

Christoffer is editing vocals for Never Go Back Again today, so I spent some time doing fun things—I drove to the grocery store in Sjöbo and bought some food, took apart my FireWire hard drive and put it back together again, and spent considerably more time than I wanted to coercing a piece of smoked salmon out from between my upper right molars. Smoked salmon is quite cheap here, so I try to eat as much of it as I can. The low price of salmon is just one of the benefits of being in Sweden.

Here is a list of the benefits of being in Sweden:

1) Smoked salmon is inexpensive. (About $3 for 200 grams.)

2) Nobody makes fun of me for never shaving. Many young men here appear to go months if not years without shaving.

Here we see Jens Jansson and Christoffer Lundquist from Brainpool. They have not shaved in what appears to be YEARS. Do their wives, girlfriends, and friends complain and make fun of them? NO. Let this be a lesson to all those who complain and/or make fun of me when I don't shave.

3) My skin is great here. I have not gotten a single pimple, white head, black head, or anything!

4) They have a fantastic array of soft drinks which kick the ass of our soft drinks. Some of my favorites include smultron berry cider, pear cider, and a lightly spiced soda called julmust.

Imagine a soda that tastes exactly like Pez, but with a hint of childhood liquid medicines. There is something about the strange, light, effervescent taste of Stockmos Smultronsmak Cider that makes it quite compelling.

5) Swedes are better looking in general than Americans. (Not that this comparison is saying much, as Americans tend to be pretty ugly people on a whole.) I usually think that babies are about as beautiful as H.R. Geiger's monster in Aliens, but somehow Swedish babies (and small children) seem to be very cute. They look they are all models for Scandinavian travel posters or postcards.

6) The showers are almost all converted bathtubs with hoses stuck into the faucet part as an afterthought. This means that you must awkwardly crouch in a stupid bathtub and try to shower off with a clumsy hose. Perhaps because bathing is so inconvenient, it is quite accepted to not take a shower nearly as often as one does in the USA. This is possibly the best thing about being here.

7) Socialized health care and nobody is homeless. I recently went three years without health care and am never more than a few weeks away from being homeless. Anyone who thinks that the USA will catch them when they fall has no idea what they are talking about.

8) They have FOUR–PLY facial tissue. Yes, that's right. Four glorious layers of luxurious paper for snot handling. Best of all, there is a brand here called Lammbi with a picture of a sheep on it. It is so soft and luxurious, it's like smearing a sheep on your face!

"Four–ply goodness that feels as great as face fucking a sheep!"

Here is a list of why it is better to be in San Francisco, California, USA:

1) Andie and my friends and family are there. This is the most compelling reason of all, and it is the trump card that will always bring me home. I miss my loved ones—they make my life more complete.

2) More than 5 hours of sunlight in the winter. Darkness is stupid.

3) No matter how much gas costs, it is always less than the $4 per gallon I pay here.

4) Faster internet connections—DSL or cable modems in most houses in the Bay Area!

5) They have better facial tissue, but our toilet paper kicks their toilet paper's ass. Their toilet paper is the color of wheat with the softness and consistency of photocopy paper.

6) Dishwashers. I have never seen a dishwasher in any house or apartment in Sweden. They don't actually wash their dishes by hand, do they?

Ok, I can hear from the sounds in the studio that it is time for me to get back to recording!