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2002-12-29 10:26 a.m.


Our second day in Crescent City was plentiful, like a cornucopia of fun.

We slept in fairly late—until 10:00 AM. We got ready as quickly as we could, and headed off to the rich heart of America: the local Wal*Mart! Shopping list: an inexpensive portable CD player for Andie's folks, a copy of Pee Wee's Big Adventure on DVD (on sale for $5), and some blank CD-Rs. I needed CD-Rs so I could burn Andie's folks some rough mixes of my recent recordings. I also thought it would be cool to make them some mix CDs.

The alpha and the omega: Taco Motherfucking Man.

After Wal*Mart, our day rapidly approached its crescendo: We went to Taco Man! Andie and I ate there twice during our last visit to Crescent City and I have been having lusty dreams about Taco Man's abundant, meaty, taco love ever since.

Andie and I inside Taco Man. You can see the glow of their holy backlit menu shining above us.

There is no other jerk material as specific and effective as this: The Taco Man MENU! I spurt a million oceans!

Even though it seems perfect, there are actually two problems with Taco Man. The main problem is that there is only ONE location, and that is in Crescent City. Crescent City is not exactly "conveniently located". It is an ass–raping 8-10 hours away from where I live. The other major problem with Taco Man is that it is physically impossible to decide what to order there. It's all so good that I just want to get one of everything.

Andie and I didn't have a solution for the first problem. Since we were in Crescent City, it didn't seem to be much of a problem at all at that moment. But, we found a perfect solution to the second problem: we ordered one of everything. OK, not really one of everything, but pretty close.

Here we see the first part of our meal waiting for us under a heat lamp. The number one sign of a classy eating establishment is heating lamps in plain view for the customers to see.

According to Christians, God loved the world so much that he gave people his son as a sign of his boundless love. But if God REALLY loved the world he would have given his people abundant meals from Taco Man!

The anatomy of a Taco Man meal. 1. Large Diet Cola. 2. Chopped jalapeños. 3. Fluffy, white napkins at no extra charge. 4. Their guacamole is actually VERY good. 5. "Super hot" salsa. Tasty, tangy. 6. Rolled chicken tacos. 7. Chicken Macho Nachos. For the love of GOD. When they say MACHO, they mean it. This is enough nachos to fill an olympic swimming pool. 8. Chicken soft taco. Comes stock with tomatoes, cheese, sour cream! 9. Deep fried chicken taco. 10. Plastic sporks. If you prefer normal forks and knives, they have those, too!

Language lesson for the day: Chimichanga is Spanish for "health". Cheese is healthy, right? Well, if cheese is healthy (which I assure you that it is), then can there be anything healthier than deep fried cheese and chicken inside a happy, peppy flour tortilla?

A precarious decision hanging in the balance: Nearing the end of her Taco Man feast, should Andie risk bursting her already–full stomach by consuming one more rolled chicken taco? DANGER: Abdominal explosions!

The problem with ordering one of everything is that we ended up feeling so incredibly full and bloated and retarded afterwards. We tried our hardest to eat every last bite, and we came very close.

HURP. Someone please save me from myself and my stupid hands, the hands that keep mouth–raping me with tacos and burritos and nachos.

Let us not forget the glory of the Taco Man women's restroom. Notice that they have not one, not two, but THREE paper towel dispensers! They have TWO soap dispensers! And toilet seat covers, a baby smasher, tampons, and who knows what else! There is no restroom that I have ever seen that compares with this.

I told Andie that I think we should arrange a trip to Crescent City with our friends, that way they could also experience the life–changing ecstasy that is Taco Man.

After our hurpfest, we went to this ass–kicking thrifty/antique store. While Andie looked at dresses and shoes, I eyed the shiny things in their glass cases. Like a raccoon, I am attracted to glistening, metal objects. In addition the usual thrift and antique store fare, they had piercing jewelry for sale! I couldn't resist buying a piece of navel jewelry that bore the one word that best epitomizes my sexual history.

I have a feeling that they didn't exactly have me in mind when they created this piece of jewelry. I am diametrically opposed from the prudish, sexually–useless teenage girl that this was intended for. Of course, that is what makes it funny to me.

After that we went to Safeway. Andie needed to get a few things for the Christmas party that her mom and step–dad were hosting at their house that evening.

While she shopped, I stood with my hands in my pockets and looked at the covers of magazines. The girl on the front of Low Riding Trucks magazine had huge breasts, but her face wasn't very appealing. She had long hair and very tan skin, neither of which are really my thing. The photo on International Skateboarder Magazine kept my attention for a long time. It took what seemed like a very long time—although it was actually no more than 20 seconds—for my brain to decipher a photo of a skateboarder in mid–air. It was one of those photos that didn't make sense until observed for some time.

We spent the rest of the day preparing for the party. Andie cooked and cleaned in the kitchen while I talked with her family and did my best to avoid handling any food or dirty dishes of any sort.

Andie wore her new Chinese dress. I wore my Chinese kung fu suit.

Wow, I didn't know it was going to be THAT kind of party! Here we see one of Andie's mom's guests showing us the subtleties of the birds and the bees: "You see, son, when a man loves his penis, or a beer bottle, or the internet..."