|
2003-01-13 10:42 p.m. CLUCK U. Yesterday, Boris and Andie and I visited Cluck U. Chicken. Cluck U., short for Cluck University, is another world compared to the places I normally eat at. First of all, it is right next to Santa Clara University and it's main theme is sports. The customer base consists almost exclusively of college students who think sports are cool and come to root for teams of stupid men in uniforms, drink beer, and watch any number of sports on the six all�sports�all�the�time televisions hanging from the ceiling. The room is decorated with sports banners, team jerseys, and beer advertisements. Not my kind of place. Beyond that, the food is not my usual healthy fare. They specialize in bar appetizers�burgers, chicken sandwiches, chicken strips, fries, and Buffalo�style hot wings. Hippies will starve here�don't even bother to look for something vegan on the menu, unless you plan to have a cup of ice for dinner. It sounds pretty lame so far, right? But Cluck U. has one claim to fame that makes it worth visiting time and time again. All of their food is available in seven levels of spiciness depending upon your stupidity and degree of masochism. Levels range from mild to traditional death, thermonuclear, and even global thermonuclear. If you like spicy chicken wings or chicken strips, this is heaven on Earth. We decided to order 24 hot wings (traditional death), an order of spicy fries (thermonuclear), and jalape�o poppers. I couldn't believe that Andie was so foolish as to get the fries with thermonuclear sauce. She was going to be in for a painful surprise. I have eaten at Cluck U. before, and I knew better than to order any portion of my meal in anything hotter than traditional death. Anything hotter becomes so painful that it is difficult to eat�let alone enjoy�the food at all.
I couldn't pay much attention to his pitiful cries, as I was busy eating the hot wings as fast as I could. The key to eating something this spicy is to not stop under any circumstances. As soon as you stop, the fiery pain catches up with you and dominates your tender mouth. Must...keep..eating...to...avoid...pain. Cluck U. capitalizes on the pain of its customers: No free refills on soft drinks. Sorry, gotta pay $0.50. I went back for two refills, and even that was not enough to calm the three�alarm burning in the fire�filled cave that I used to call my mouth.
I had heard that the spiciest level of hot sauce there is so hot that you can't order it without signing a release form and waiver. The cashier confirmed that this was true and let me take a look at the consent form. The form released Cluck U. from any damages that may occur to you during or after the eating of what they call their 911 Challenge hot wings. The form also included the phrase, "finally, I am an idiot". When it was time to leave, I washed my hands and face three times in order to remove any trace elements of the napalm�grade hot sauce. I wouldn't want to make the mistake of rubbing my eyes, picking my nose, or touching my penis with this horrible sauce on my hands! And to think, this wasn't even the hottest sauce they had!
PREVIOUS ENTRY - NEXT ENTRY |