2003-05-21 11:09 a.m.
I was honored to have this IM conversation recently with someone who I have never met in person. She feels so alone, which is funny because there are millions of girls in my country who feel this way every day.
Jennifer: I have no faith left in guys my age.
Justin: What are you expecting of them?
Jennifer: Honesty, and at least a simple chance. But, no, because I don't look like a freaking model I'm not good enough...
Justin: Well, what are you doing to be nice and fun and charming and attract the kind of person you would like to hang around with? I believe that you have it in your power to be that person. Many people will see beyond looks.
Jennifer: How many 17 year old guys do you know that will? Older guys might, but not guys my age.
Justin: Hehe. I used to! I always had the crushes on the girls who were overweight but had pretty, round faces. NOBODY else liked them. Of course, I never told anyone abot this. So, the girls never knew how much I was infatuated with them.
Jennifer: I do what I can to be charming, fun, and witty. I'm always nice to everyone to attract the guys I want. But it doesn't work. I'm more the "little sister" type than the "lover".
Justin: See, no matter what you have going on or how you look, someone out there will LOVE IT. Don't worry. They wise up. Most people are too short–sighted to see that the friend or buddy makes the best partner. But, they realize as they get older. I was the "buddy" guy, the one who girls thought was sexually non–threatening. You know, the confidant. This sucked at the time, since I wanted some SMOOCHING!
Jennifer: Yep, and to see the ones you like kissing other it burns inside
Justin: Don' let it burn. Just be mellow. You will get your turn, too!
Jennifer: No one likes me over here. I'm just the confidant, the friend, and never the one who gets a chance. So I look to older guys and get burned even more when they come out with the truth that the "wooing" was just to get some. And then when I wouldn't I suddenly wasn't good enough any more!
Justin: A lot of people have to deal with this.
Jennifer: I know they do, but I'm tired of seeing my friends get chances, then get dumped. And who gets to pick the pieces of their broken hearts up? Me. And then when I get a broken heart/ego ain't no one around, or if they are they try shoving their "leftovers" into my area.
Justin: It sucks, but you have some choices. So, you either have to be alone, trade sex for companionship, accept being the "buddy", or drastically change your situation. Tell me what you think of these options?
Jennifer: I don't want to be alone. That's my biggest fear in life. To trade sex for companionship goes against what I was taught to be right (though at times it would be nice to rebel against it) accepting the "buddy" figure hurts too much, and I do not have a clue on how to drastically change my situation.
Justin: It's easy to change your situation, but you must first be able to imagine a different situation which you might prefer. Thought patterns, presentation, and attitude are all within your power to change.
Jennifer: I'm working my ass off to change my looks, but why do I really want to become skinny? It's not gonna change anything in the eyes of the ones I want most to notice me. Thought patterns and confidence (attitude) are something I've been working on. Though if someone pisses me off they better watch out—its the firebrand Irish girl in me. I have a hot temper, and just as equally a passion for loving
Justin: A hot temper! Who wants to date someone with a hot temper? Yuck. You are not helpless to control this. Why would you want to have a temper when you don't have to? See, you have to ask yourself, "Why would someone want to date me?"
Jennifer: it doesn't come out to the ones I love. It comes out more when I'm threatened—being made fun of, taunted. No one wants to date, me that's the thing. Even when I'm even tempered and calm and nice, no one does.
Justin: Why not?
Jennifer: I wasn't graced with stature. I was graced with a strong sense of right and wrong and a strong sense of justice (which is where the temper comes in). When someone does something unjust (in my eyes) I will either mouth off or I will hold it in, depending on what and who. Because I'm not the "type".
Justin: If you are the best person you can be and you do your very best, it will shine through and people will see it in you. And they will be attracted to that. Have faith, and never give up.
Jennifer: Well, people don't. It's all (or at least the people I've been exposed to) in the way you look. Even when I look "good" (nice hair, make up *very little*, nice clothes, not slutty looking ones) I get passed by. The attention gets pulled to the others around me, the ones who are more adept to sexuality and "supreme sexual confidence".
Jennifer: Give up? Hehe. It's kinda too late. I give up, then I think you know I need to have more confidence in people, so I do and it all gets thrown in my face. I'm just trying to find a really big "light" and put it all together. I'm not trying to whine about anything. I just want to be given a fair chance.
Justin: Boy, you sure give up pretty easy. I don't know if you know this, but a lot of other people are feeling the same way as you are right now, Jennifer.
Jennifer: Wouldn't you, after every time you try people get so mean and rude when they reject you ,or they talk shit bout you?
Justin: Hehehe. That was my ENTIRE ADOLESCENCE! But it gets better, if you MAKE IT BETTER. Dude, I know what it feels like to be ashamed of my body. I shopped in the "husky" section my whole youth. I never had a date from my high school.
Jennifer: I mean I got kicked out of my "clique" cuz I was supposedly flirting with one of the "taken" guys—which is NOT in my character at all—and I damn well know I wasn't.
Justin: True friends will never kick you out.
Jennifer: I've never dated, never been looked at. All the guys I like have either turned gay (honest,not a lie) or they are such arrogant jerks that I'd rather not deal with them. I have to shop at a fat woman's store—always will. Even if my waist size is smaller, I was graced with these "cursed" things that women pay millions for that I absolutely hate.
Justin: It just seems to me that your attitude it hurting your situation rather than helping it. You are smart and strong. You are NOT a victim.
Jennifer: Everyones is like "they are your biggest attribute". For just once I'd like to be looked at as a person, not some girl with huge titties. American society puts that strain on "the perfect bust size" when the ones who dont like it in the least, have it.
Justin: Well. Sigh. Yea. Lots of women have this problem...My GF is like that...people give her a lot of attention for her breasts. The funny things about breasts is that the ones who don't have them, want them. And vice versa!
Jennifer: Even when you wear regular t–shirts, attention is averted to them. It's annoying. I can't tell you how many times I'm trying to hold a conversation with a guy and their eyes are way down at my tits (everyone is taller then my 5'1).
Justin: Well, here is something you need to know: women and men BOTH, they LOVE breasts. Everyone loves to look at them.
Jennifer: Not me! lol! If I wanted to look at them, that's what a mirror is for! At this point I'd give mine away if I could.
Justin: I'm sure you would. But, then you would find that your problems would not go away with them.
Jennifer: What if I could give them away? A majority of my problems would go away. My back aches, my insecurities (most of them).
Justin: Nope, you just think they would. Because—with the exception of your back aches—your problems are based on who you are as a person, and not on how you look. And your insecurities? You would simply be insecure about something else. Think about it.
Justin: Here is an example: If I gave you money to buy the one thing you really wanted, you would be satisfied only for a while. Then you would think of another thing you wanted, which was now the #1 thing. See?
Jennifer: But do you know what I'd do with the money? The one thing I want the most cannot be bought.
Justin: No, but the issue is the same: the nature of unlimited want. See, you think that you can solve your problems by removing some physical thing, your breasts. I think that this will not work. But you blame your unhappiness on them. Rather than taking responsibility for it yourself.
Jennifer: I only want this one thing, and it's a really "superficial" thing, actually it's superficial by the view that I look at it upon.
Justin: What is that one thing?
Jennifer: whats the one thing in this world that cannot be bought?that many crave
Justin: Beatings? wait...hehehe...uh
Justin: Food? Wait, no not food. You can buy food.
Justin: The moon?
Jennifer: no! love! money cannot buy you love!
Justin: True. But let me tell you something about love which I think you may not know. The love you get is equal to the love you GIVE and share and create in this world.
Jennifer: Without self love you can't expect anyone to love you back.
Justin: EXACTLY! And the hardest part of self love is (get ready) forgiveness. You need to forgive yourself, Jennifer.
Jennifer: I give my all, every undying drop of love inside of me. I give to the ones who matter, and 95% of the time it gets thrown into my face.
Justin: what about loving YOU yourself?
Jennifer: Forgive me for what? I can't. I don't like me.
Justin: See, that is the problem. Who will like you if you don't like you? Who will treat you good if you don't treat yourself good?
Jennifer: When I like me, people belittle me and tear me down. It never fails.
Justin: When your love is strong, their words will mean nothing. Keep it up.
Jennifer: physically I treat myself good. I've been eating right, working out, actually doing my make up, looking my best each day. But no one notices. It feels like I have no face.
Justin: Do you forgive yourself for your shortcomings? Or are you hard on yourself and get mad at yourself?
Jennifer: Most of them. Well, I do a lot of being hard on myself and getting mad at myself too.
Justin: Ok, now can you not merely forgive the shortcomings but can you love yourself INCLUDING all the shortcomings? Much like a mother loves its child?
Jennifer: I can try.
Justin: Keep it up. People will watch what you do and act similarly. If they see you hate yourself, they will hate you. If they see you respect yourself, they will follow suit. See, in order to do these things you must really only change one thing, and that is your way of thinking.
Jennifer: what do you do when you liek urself,lets say I wake up tomarrow and like who I am,but then you go to school/work and get belittled and torn down,even the teachers make fun of me
Justin: Call them on their crap. Ask them, kindly, "Are you making fun of me? Is that a kind thing to do to another person?"
Jennifer: that just gets you laughed at
Justin: Shrug it off. Being/doing right is the best "revenge'.
Jennifer: The best revenge is when your best friend dates the guy you like, then he dumps her and decides he is flat out gay and that he was trying to see if it felt right to be with a girl or felt better to be with guys.
Justin: Why is that a good thing? It is terrible to rejoice in your best friend's pain, Jennifer. Would you want someone to laugh at your suffering?
Jennifer: I didn't rejoice. I just think it's damned good justice. She fucked up a friendship when she crossed that line and got what she deserves.
Justin: She deserves? Why are you so vindictive?
Jennifer: Yes she deserves it! Karma. What comes around goes around.
Justin: A truly loving friend would be sorry for her and hold her, even though SHE was the one who had made the mistake.
Jennifer: She gonna ruin a frienship then she's gonna find herself just as equally hurting.
Justin: You expect a lot from people, yet you don't seem willing to give it. You seem very unforgiving. Why would someone want to date someone who rejoices in someone else's suffering? That is just plain mean.
Jennifer: I give my all to everyone and I get walked on. I'm unforgiving because of the open doormat I've become, because I'm passive and let people get away with shit.
Justin: Letting people get away with it is the problem, but you can change that! You are smart and powerful!
Jennifer: Because I'd rather avoid confrontation and arguments to keep a frienship, even if it means my feelings get hurt.
Justin: That is not very loving to YOURSELF. You deserve to be rspected and listened to!
Jennifer: I don't even like confronting my parents. I hide hella stuff from them because it would disspaoint them and they'd make no little thing get away. They'd needle it in me, make it hurt so much more.
Justin: Parents are different. You are SUPPOSED to hide things from them when you are growing up. Sadly, they can not DEAL with the truth...
Jennifer: If they only knew what their little girl has done, that she's not innocent (I feel really guilty about giving that up to someone who I thought loved me), that she can handle sexual tension and say no, when it's enough. They would be so dissapointed in me, and so would everyone who would find out (family, older friends).
Justin: Dude. They have made the same mistakes. We all have.
Jennifer: But did they have their first time in a public restroom? I think not.
Justin: YOU DID! Lucky.
Jennifer: thats soemthing I ahev to walk around knowing I did,for the rest of my life
Justin: I am SO jealous
Justin: I dunno, I think that sounds kinda hot.
Jennifer: It was beaten into my head that sex and marriage go hand in hand, and the first person who said I love you—though he was not my boyfriend—I gave it up to.
Justin: It's not like you are the only one, you know. Dude, this happens to all of us! And, get it into yor head: Sex is sex. Marriage is marriage. They are not the same. They can be WHATEVER your brilliant ass mind wants them to be, because this is YOUR BEAUTIFUL LIFE!
Jennifer: I know, but it's something that was forced into my head and then I go and dissapoint it. I damn well know my grandpa (the one who forced it in my head from age 2 to like 16 when he died) is rolling over in his grave.
Justin: Is this your grandpa's life you life? Is this your mom's life you live? Is this your dad's life you life? Who do you live for?
Jennifer: My parents. I've never been taught to live for myself.
Justin: Well, better start today, huh? If you live for them, you will NEVER be happy.
Jennifer: If I'm shown where to start. I'm never happy. I live for them, do things for them, and they are never happy. And they make my life a living hell for dissapointing them.
Justin: See, but if you live for YOU, then you can be happy!
Jennifer: I'm not "allowed" to.
Justin: Remember the part about hiding crap from your folks? You only one more year of it left. Hang in there. They can not break your will. Or your heart. Or your mind. Unless you let them.
Jennifer: It's their house, their rules. If I want to reamin in the house then I have to do what they say.
Justin: Sure. Do your best. But, if you have to, lie and DON'T get caught!
Jennifer: Yeah but okay perfect example...
Justin: No no no no! Wait. I have an idea. Read everything we have said, before you tell me anything more. You should go over this whole conversation and read it again.
Jennifer: I'm WILLING to lie and NOT get caught
Justin: Great. But now stop. Read this whole talk of ours again.
Jennifer: But the one I'm willing to do this with says "sneaking around is bad, ask your parents for permission" and I'm like, "uh no, I won't". So he says, "then I won't happen".
Justin: Dude. Let's pause this conversation.
Justin: Read the whole thing we said to one another again and let me know when you are done.
Then there was a long pause.
Justin: Done yet?
Jennifer: <-- has to love herself.
Justin: When I read it, my friend Jennifer sure sounds negative and like she feels she is a victim. The thing is that I DISAGREE. I tend to think Jennifer can do anything she sets her mind to. Be strong and smart, cuz that is what you ARE!
Jennifer: *nods head* okay
Justin: yay! That's the spirit! I mean, I figure that yourself is the only person who will be here with you forever. Better love and nurture and take care of it!
Jennifer: I will. Thank you.
Justin: I've a had a lot of fun talking with you today!
Jennifer: Me too. Thank yo for making me see these things.
Justin: Well, I didn't make you do anything, but I can hope for the best for you and wish you peace and love.
Jennifer: And you have helped me
Justin: that is the best thing one can hope from in life!
Jennifer: How did you change your personality around?
Justin: Hmmm...I guess I was gullible, basically. People told me things like I was telling you and I thought, "What the hell, what if they are right?" So I tried it out!
Justin: This guy in high school once said to me, "Hey, why are you slouching and looking at the ground when you walk? You should keep your head up straight and look people in the eye! You have no reason to just look at the ground like that!" It changed my life!
Jennifer: I'm told that everyday. But I'm goign to make it change my life.
Jennifer: I'm calling the one who I like the most on his shit—his head games, his jeousy at my guy friends when I'm not "allowed" to be jealous of his ex coming to stay with him in his bed for two weeks, or when he talks about other girls.
Justin: But be loving about it. Think about how you would want someone to call you on your crap. You would want them to be loving, not vindictive.
Jennifer: I'm not being vindictive I just want to know why he is allowed to and I'm not.
Justin: You don't have to be NICE, but you should think about how you would want someone to deal with you if you made the same mistakes. They are all just mistakes. We make them too!
Jennifer: He can't figure out why my parents wont let us date.
Jennifer: uhm could it be that: a) he's six years older then me, and, b) that his ex seems more important to him than the one who lives 45 min away and she lives 2,500 miles away—and he has the audacity to sit here and lecture me about how "distance is an issue"!?!?!
Justin: Dude. If he wanted to be with you he would do something about it. Obviously he doesn't want to be with you, otherwise he would not make stupid excuses. HIS LOSS.
Jennifer: Yes his loss. But I still wanna know! lol
Justin: Fair enough
Jennifer: He's definatly not happy with me. Oh well, his loss!
Justin: Exactly. Dude, if you look around, even the kinda horrible people get BFs and GFs, right? And you are WAYYYYY cooler than them, right? So have a little faith! There are plenty of fish in that sea for you! I mean, you are smart and think about stuff and you have a strong sense of justice. Many people don't have that stuff!
Jennifer: Thank you, and I agree!
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