2003-09-07 1:04 p.m.

Something about vectors....magnitude and direction. As I was laying here on Boris' couch, heading towards sleep, I started to form the thought, "Just when I though life couldn't get any worse, it did." But as those words—or the concepts of those words—rattled around in that leaky barrel I call my mind, shuffle them in and out, change their order, permutate them. And I started to abstract them, searching for the greater generality and non–specific truths they might also represent or relate to.

And it became so clear to me why they make all young people in school draw those lines with little arrow heads at the tips and the little vee with the line over it! Vectors! Vectors all around us! Your life is a vector; my life is a vector. You are a vector; I am a vector.

I came home from Burning Man with an injured back—a humbling pain, one which broadened my horizons for just how afflicted one can feel. I had never experienced pain such that I could not get in or out of my car without help, but now I have. Physical pain. My wonderful, blossoming girlfriend broke up with me—something I just never thought would happen. Emotional pain. My employment was terminated. I lost my job. My job broke up with me, too! 'Tis the season, eh? Ah, yes. Financial pain. And my mom is in the hospital for a surgery, and I found out last night that she was "not doing so well", which is hospital slang that families use when someone is doing flat out bad but they don't want to say so and seem hopeless.

And all this happened in the blink of an eye—well, it would be a mighty long eye blink, since it took about 48 hours for these things to all get together and orchestrate, but I think you get the picture.

So, what about the vectors? I'm getting there.

So standing in the face of my mountain of pain and challenges my first reaction was, "Oh! It's too much! Too much at once!" Ah, yes. The magnitude of my energy and emotion—in this case, suffering and pain—is just enormous. It's like standing at the base of a mountain whose peak is obscured by clouds. Of course the only way to traverse such obstacles is patiently, one step at time.

But, the thing is that I am that mountain. The life I have forged is that mountain. And it represents the magnitude of my vector, the vector that is me.

There was a time not so long ago in my life when I said the words "Just when I thought life couldn't get any better, it did." And I stood in front of a mountain range of joy and reward and I felt that it was almost unfair how blessed I was. So what has changed?

The magnitude has remained the same. Only the direction has changed.

So now I think the only thing to do is to be creative, patient, persistent. And, hopefully I will sway that vector the other way some day soon, very soon.


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