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Oh my god, dude. My belly button really, really smells. No, really. It stinks.

See, I have this infection in my navel. It's not near the surface, either, but rather deep inside—way beyond what you can see without pulling apart folds of filthy belly button badness.

The infection started about two years ago now. I remember that at first there was just a dull ache. Sometimes the ache would even sting. So, one day I decided to push on it. Pushing seemed to solve conflicts in grade school, so why wouldn't it help my belly button issue? So I jammed my finger into my belly button as hard as I could.

I felt a pop as something gave way, and a pillowy pouch of bloody pus wept rivers of infected fluids down my finger. Now, the first thing I did was smell it. I mean, duh, of course. Then, I remember thinking, this is so cool!

Jam it in, ram it in, WAAAAYYYY IN! Ok, finger. Prepare to get your fingery–ass majorly sniffed up!

The pain went away a day or two later. I figured that I destroyed whatever was inside of me—I liberated the poor captive blood and pus, and now everybody would be happy. Oh, but this was not the case.

It was like a cycle. The pain would start again every few months. Then the pain would escalate to the point where sitting down would hurt and sex was quite ouchy—and not in the good way. I'd plunge my finger into the gooey pus fruit, the tidal wave of belly mayonnaise would flow forth. I'd smell my finger and grin. Then, I'd clean everything up and go on my merry way. And the cycle would repeat.

Last week I decided that this had gone on long enough. My friend Lisa did some explorations into the cavern in my middle. With the aid of some tweezers and a flashlight, we were able to dig deep into my abdominal vagina. And, what she found was startling. There were actual hairs growing deep inside my belly button, and these hairs had been growing inwards. It appeared that I was experiencing some sort of repeating ingrown hair situation.

She pulled out twenty or so hairs with the tweezers and shook her head. "There are so many more in there, Justin. This is going to take a long time."

I caved in and went to an actual doctor the next day. I told him what we found the day before. He didn't have a clue what was going on, though. "Justin, there isn't an actual infection right now, as you drained it recently. Take some antibiotics and come back to me when it happens again."

But, now it's happening again and I'm in LA and I'm starting to get worried about the fact that even with the crazy pills the infection is not going away and my belly buttons continues to smell like a rotting anus convention.