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2005-02-19

I feel so unhappy. I don't want to live and I don't want to wake up in the morning. I woke up late to the sound of my friends having sex. I felt empty. Even the sounds of them having sex wasn't enough to whet my appetite with the usual longing those sounds would've inspired in me. I didn't want to die. I just didn't want to live, either.

I missed my dearest, oldest friends. I missed Lindsay. And, I longed for someone else's life. No, that wasn't it. It was more that I longed for some other life that wasn't this one. I know that this sense of dissatisfaction is simply my mind and soul telling me that I'm not living right. But, I'm having trouble figuring out what exactly it means for me to live right.

There are parts of my life that are right. I have wonderful friends, for example. They love me and appreciate me. They treat me well. They're my heroes. I look to them for inspiration and knowledge. And, in many cases, they look up to me as well.

And, I like Lindsay a bunch. She's sweet and good and she showers me with love and generosity and sweet, giant kisses from lips that seem like they'd swallow me whole if I wasn't careful. The thing is that I'm not careful—what if I did get swallowed whole and disappeared deep into her or someone or anything else and was lost forever?

Oh, the musings of an unhappy mind are salt to the thirsty, heat to the feverish, photographs of food for someone who starves. I wish I could leave them here in this airport, but I have a suspicion I'll let them hitch a ride along with my other baggage.

A voice calls to me from above. It's a woman's voice. And, she is telling me it's time to leave the airport bar and wave goodbye to Austin and let myself be swallowed whole by the mouth of an airplane. Farewell, Austin. Kisses to you. Hopefully it's not long before we see one another again.


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