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I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "I want to suck the enormous cock of a raging bull—feeling my lips nearly torn apart by its monstrous girth—so I can allow its glorious bull–seed to explode out and fill my stomach. But, bestiality is illegal where I live. Even if it was legal, there aren't any bulls around for many miles!"

Well, you're not alone. We're all thinking this.

Maybe you live in the city and there aren't any cows. Maybe you live in a place where they frown on that sort of behavior. Maybe you live in Antarctica. Maybe you live on a cattle farm in West Texas, but your favorite bull just wants to be friends after you gave it herpes.

Well, there's a solution. People without access to bulls can finally swallow as much bull semen as they can afford.

That's one sexy, manly, virile looking bull, isn't it?

Welcome to Super Macho. Super Macho is a legal gel capsule containing what the package calls "high potency formula with bovine glandular concentrate." And, you can buy it in your local Wal Mart. That is, if you're fortunate enough to live in the United States. If you live anywhere else you're probably fucked. I mean, it's not exactly convenient to fly to the USA every time you need that special rush you can only get from a tummy full of bovine spurt sauce.

What's funny is that the bottle doesn't do much to advertise what's really inside these brownish pills. You wouldn't necessarily know it had bull semen without really looking. Why are they playing it down? It's nothing to be embarrassed about! If I had bull semen inside of me, I'd let the whole world know. I'd wear an oversize mu-mu with the words "LOOK AT ME! I AM FILLED WITH BULL SEMEN RIGHT NOW!" spelled out in sequins, all Liberace and shit. But, not Super Macho. Maybe when you're that macho you just don't need to advertise.

The bottle bears the strong, chiseled features of a very handsome bull, if you ask me—kinda looks like this one bull I used to, um, you know, well, this one bull who's cock I used to suck. But, that's neither here nor there. The point is that they use this picture of this completely sexy, hunky, leather daddy bull to attract your attention. They've done the research people, and they know their audience well. They've seen you there at the Wal Mart, cruising the nutritional supplement section, hoping to find some virile, muscular bull to rape your mouth and fill your gastrointestinal tract with his macho glandular extract.

Once the bull face has lured you in, you can read the back of the package to see what's really going on.

Each capsule contains BOVINE ORCHIC (TESTICULAR) SUBSTANCE 5,000 mcg. (They spell out BOVINE ORCHIC SUBSTANCE in all caps so you can know that they're shouting when they say it. It's too macho for lower case, you fucking pansy.) There's also vitamin E and wheat germ oil. They also remind the reader that, "The U.S. RDA [recommended daily allowance] of bovine orchic substance and wheat germ have not been established." (You can call the Food and Drug Administration and have a chat with them about this, if you want. Their phone number is 1-888-463-6332.)

Little known fact: orchic is the adjective form of testicles.

I was at a party the other day. It was Boris' birthday party. Zack gave Super Macho to Boris as a gift. Nobody else wanted to try one, though. I guess they were turned off by the idea after we broke one open and found it was full of foul-smelling, orange goo. What's wrong with that? Life isn't always pretty people! Suck it up!

Luckily, I had a really bad stomach ache, heartburn, and was feeling downright nauseated. Maybe it was the four sausages I'd eaten. And the burgers. And the cake. And the pie. And the vodka. So, I figured what better way to treat my stomach malady then with a healthy dose of bull sperm?

The pill went down easy, kind of like drunk teenagers on a farm in the bull pen. It smelled bad, though. But, it smelled better than a farm. Way better.

I washed it down with vodka and soda. And I waited. And waited.

I was waiting for an explosion of virility. I was waiting for that rush you can only get from man-cow cock juice. I was waiting to feel nearly torn apart by the massive energy of a million cow sperm warriors lined up and ready to attack the world.

But, it never came. (Hehe, came.)

In fact, the night went on pretty quietly. Should I have taken more of the capsules? I felt like I do at the end of a mediocre date—the kind of date you wouldn't remember six months later because it wasn't bad enough or good enough. But, there can't be fireworks every time.

But, the night wasn't a bust. I mean, I got to swallow some bull semen. It was legal, it was safe. I didn't even have to buy anyone dinner or sneak into a farm or get my shoes all covered in manure. I didn't even have to cuddle afterwards. Best of all, my lips didn't get torn apart by the fantastic coffee-can girth of bull-manhood. Aw, who am I kidding? Lip tearing—that's the best part.

But, you already know that. Don't be all coy and act like you don't.