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2005-12-03

I can't sleep. Again. It seems like I never really sleep well anymore. I wake up every few hours throughout the hours when other people would be sawing logs in Sleep Land.

My dreams are often disturbing—not necessarily nightmares, but some story that upsets or scares me. They're magnets of anxiety, pulling me back into the world of the waking.

I wake up soaked in sweat many times each week. Worst of all is that sweaty sheets smell, well, they smell like some sweaty guy.

I can't sleep because my mind is racing all the time—consumed by thoughts about the things I should be doing, blasted back into awake by the pressure of the many projects I juggle.

Tonight I woke up at 2 AM. My brain was nagging me about Orange Sky, the record label I'll be taking over to release Doug Wyatt, Brainpool, and my albums. Then I got to thinking about the Doug Wyatt album. I have to create an organizational timeline/flowchart so that I can know when the CD will really be done. That way I can synchronize the release with marketing and press efforts.

Then I got to thinking about whether or not I should properly release my Thirteen Songs About Love album at the same time as the Wyatt release. Or, should I release Brainpool's Junk - A Rock Opera instead?

At that point I definitely couldn't sleep. Ok, fine, I was awake. I waved the white flag of surrender to the deluge of thoughts. I just wanted them to be quiet so I could sleep. No such luck, though. My mind shouted louder still: Will I get paid for my airplay on Swedish radio, or do I have to find the cue sheets myself to remind my performing rights organization to actually pay me? Should I keep on self financing all my projects and doing it all myself—something which makes it so I don't sleep? Or, should I relinquish a great deal of economic and creative control to a record company and let them do the work that makes me crazy—even though they would take all the money?

Then my thoughts turned to Orange Sky. My friend Lee offered for me to use his old label Orange Sky, and now I can release pretty much whatever I want. I have to be wise about it, of course. But, I will have creative control over the label identity, release schedules, and most important—the A&R. I have a complete infrastructure available to me. But, I felt worried, "I need money for marketing." We had a phone meeting with the distribution company a few weeks back and they were really cool. But, they were very straightforward and told us that it will be nearly impossible to sell units if we don't have marketing money or touring acts. Sleeping pills I have in my possession can't make me sleep. Yet, marketing money I don't have and have not yet seen seems to have more power over my circadian rhythms!

My mind was stuffed like a Thanksgiving turkey with burning questions: Where can I look to find an investor for the label? When will I tour again? What about my forthcoming book, my spoken word project, and the big photography show I have scheduled for February at the Transport Gallery in LA? How will I do it all?

Most importantly: How can I sleep well every night like I used to? Getting a bunch of things done is worthless if I'm not healthy, happy, and well rested.


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