During my last visit to Scandinavia I bought a special present for my friends Glenn and Jessika. Now that I'm back again it got me to thinking about the letter I wrote to go with it. Here's the letter and a picture of the gift:
Dear Glenn & Jessika,
Oh god do I hate cats. I know you do, too. Don't pretend you don't.
It turns out that Danish people hate cats, too. So much so, in fact, that it is common for people there to revel in the pastime of removing a cat's tongue from its horrible kitty mouth.
The most common way to do this is to use two sets of vice grips to pull its jaws apart until they form a 180º angle. This allows easy access to the tongue. Then, as nimbly as possible, they use an extremely precise tool to remove the actual tongue.
Remember that precision is key here. Clearly, most commonly available tools are far too clumsy to do an accurate job of feline tongue removal. So the Danes developed some specialized tools. The most often used tools for this job are Danish Chainsaw, Danish Two–Handed Axe, Danish Rusty Scythe, Danish Wood Chippers, Danish–Designed Whirling Blades, and the giant, stone–wheel grinding portion of ancient Danish Windmills™. (Although, it is rumored that non–Danish windmills are almost as effective.)
Cat tongue removal has become so popular in Denmark that it is beating out traditional pastimes, traditions, and hobbies. Eating, drinking beer, pastry engineering, wearing wooden shoes, and talking all funny like Danish people do. Once considered integral to Denmark, many of these things are being forgotten by people who'd much rather defeat all felines with brutal and well–deserved tongue yanking.
Companies have rushed in to capitalize on this popularity. Stores are flooded with cat destruction merchandise, cat hurting porn, anti–cat temporary tattoos, and lines of specialized whirling blades, vice grips, and cat testicle antagonizing devices. In Copenhagen, it is not unlikely to find specialty stores stocked with food in the shape of removed cat parts. If you search hard enough, you might even be able to find a box or two of the delicious and extremely sought after chocolate cat tongues—kattetunger in Danish.
I'm dedicated to the cause. Of course, I had to make sure to buy some for you during my visit.
I hope you enjoy this delicacy. And, I hope with each bite you pray for a beautiful new epoch of cat evisceration.
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