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2005-12-19

The worst things about when people become parents:

• They stop being fun

• They start dressing really bad

• They start talking about furniture as if it's interesting. Furniture, like children, is only interesting if you're smashing or burning it for the sake of art or using it as a comfortable surface to dine or recline or fuck on.

• I'm not allowed to make jokes about anything fun anymore—baby smashing, child raping, child eviscerating, white slavery, infant chucking, fetus eating, punching pregnant women, barbecues at the maternity ward, "Fetus: the other pink meat", and so on. Basically, this pretty much rules out about 60% of my usual dinner conversation topics. What the hell else is there to talk about? No wonder parents talk about furniture.

• They talk about their kids all the time, which is fucking boring. Except worse. Unless your kid is a child porn star that pisses streams of solid gold I don't wanna hear about it.

• Double standards. I'm forbidden from talking about feces, urine, sperm, vomit, pus, and anything else with any conversational value. However, their kid's bodily functions become major topics of discussion. "Little billy ate some food today! Wanna go throw a quick jerk to the illustrated spreadsheet I made?" "Li'l Greta's shit was slightly less viscous than yesterday. And, it was an interesting color! Let me get my Pantone swatches and show you!" "Now that Geoffrey is five we thought it was OK to bring him to Mexico on vacation. But, ever since we got back he's been like a hyperactive firehose of vomit and liquid shit. Isn't that adorable? Wanna see the home movie of us rolling around in it and rubbing it onto our gums like cocaine? I know you're in Europe right now, so we even converted it to PAL!"

It's not that I don't like kids. I actually love kids. I strongly believe that young people are the most valuable (and underappreciated) resource any society has. So, then why do otherwise smart people have to start acting so lame when they have kids?

If you have kids or are planning to ever have (or better yet, adopt) a child, I implore you: Stay fun. Tell the truth. Present yourself with self respect and care. And, stop pretending—better yet, never start pretending—that taboo topics aren't funny. Laughing is the best way for everyone to deal with a big, crazy, overwhelming universe. It sure beats fighting, screaming, crying, and war, doesn't it?

Be real. Nobody benefits from boring parents—not the kids, not anyone.


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