I find all sorts of things as I walk down the path of life. Loose change, handwritten notes to someone I don't know, keys, photos of me naked with animals. You know, different stuff.
But, the one thing I seem to find more than anything else—except for pennies—is panties. I only say this because I have found stray panties three times so far. And, I don't know about you, but to me three times seems like a lot.
One pair was mixed in with my socks in my dresser drawer. I wasn't living with any females at the time, and they didn't look like anything I'd peeled off of anyone recently during my usual debauchery. They went unclaimed for years before I threw them away.
Then there was the time I found a pair of very soiled and possibly hazardous women's panties in a public restroom. (Some may remember that I tried to sell them on Ebay. That didn't go over so well. Click here to see the Ebay auction that they took down in a matter of minutes.)
Today I found my third instance of unclaimed women's undergarments in the bed of my truck.
And, to be completely technically correct, it wasn't even me that found them. It was Arlette.
I lent my truck to Arlette so she could use it to cart away a bunch of her old things to the dump or wherever. She came inside to where I was working and held a white women's thong pinched between her thumb and forefinger�extended out in front of her the way you to do make a statement that something is either not yours or is crawling with communicable diseases or ferocious hornets.
I have to commend her for asking me as dryly as possible, with not even a hint of a smile, "Are these yours?" She paused, then continued, "Because they're not mine. I don't wear thong underwear."
My mind spun into high gear. Who had I been having sex with in the back of the pickup since I last cleaned it out? Wait a minute! For once, the answer was nobody! And, who had been camping out in the back of my truck and leaving a trail of panties to find their way home with? Nobody! I had barely even used my truck in the past months�I don't drive it much to begin with, and I was out of the country for a month.
I have been leaving the lock to the camper shell unlocked most of the time, but it seemed unlikely that someone would come into our yard and plant a pair of undies in my truck. Hmmm...
I just laughed and shrugged. "I have no idea whose those are. But, I have to say, this is pretty funny."
I have to admit there have been MANY other times in my past when a girlfriend found some other girl's rings, hair pins, bras, socks, necklaces, bracelets, or even the aforementioned girl herself in my room, under my bed, in my stuff, in my pockets, or anywhere else that would make it less likely to get laid that night.
But, this time was different. It was different because I actually truly for once was innocent and had nothing to do with these panties. I really had no recollection of whose panties they were�which makes it all that much more interesting.
They're white, thong style, and�unlike most found underwear�they're immaculate. They may have been worn only once or twice, and they were clearly recently washed, bleached, pressed, and kept in a vacuum sealed chamber. That is, before they were dropped off in the filthy, mildewed camper shell of my pathetic truck.
I didn't smell them, though. Last time I did that I almost had to call an ambulance. (Read more here.)
So, if you are the owner of these white panties, please email me proof of ownership (a photo of you wearing them or not or really a photo of whatever will do, some proof of purchase, a bribe, a lie, or some otherwise even slightly compelling story) and I will return them to you immediately.
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