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2006-08-15


Does anybody remember hot dog man? This is a picture of me and hot dog man from 4-5 years ago.

We were driving through the town of Clear Lake. Jenny asked, "Hey, isn't that the parking lot where the giant hot dog man used to be?"

Adam and I both thought about the time we found a giant fiberglass statue of a hot dog man in the parking lot of this head shop in Clearlake. It was at least three years ago now. We stopped and took pictures of it.

I always looked for it every time I was in Clearlake. But, I never saw it again since then.

A few minutes later Arlette called out, "Hey! Look! There's a giant hot dog in that person's yard!"

Adam and Jenny and I knew exactly what she was talking about. We turned the car around and parked next to the head shop where the hot dog man used to proudly stand. Now he was covered in dust and locked in behind chain link fences in a weed-ruled yard.


I wondered if they were ready to sell it yet. I asked them to sell it to me last time I saw it. But, they'd refused, "I'll never sell that hot dog!"

I walked right into the head shop and asked, "So, would you guys like to sell the hot dog man?"

"Well, it's not mine. It's my mom and dad's. I can call and ask, though. Do you want me to call?"

Of course I wanted her to call!

After some minor negotiations they agreed to sell me hot dog man. It was that easy.

So, we all drove back to Indian Beach so Arlette and I could get my truck and go back and pick up my New Best Friend. I called the shop to make sure hot dog man would be ready for us when we arrived.


"Hello, this is Justin. I'm the one who wants to buy the giant hot dog. Is it ready?"

We drove the fifteen minutes through rolling white trash landscapes back to Clearlake. Soon I would be reunited with the truest love that has ever been—hot dog man.


This is the smug look of a man that will soon fulfill his life's mission: To spend eternity with a giant hot dog.

At Hot Dog Ground Zero, also known as Ed & Linda's Place, I was so excited I practically sprinted out of my truck. I handed the shop woman a wad of cash and she opened the chain link fence. Hot Dog Man was now mine.

Hot Dog Man didn't look as good as he did four or five years ago. He was dirty and paint was flaking in a few places. But, he was still glorious. And, he seemed so much taller now that I had to consider logistics like carrying him, putting him into my truck, or having him live in my house. He was taller than me. And, so much meatier.


Arlette helps move Hot Dog Man.


You'll be home soon, lovely meat man!


He's like my trophy wife.


It wasn't too hard to fit Hot Dog Man into the pickup. It was actually much easier than I expected. I was sort of hoping for it to be a big challenge, that way I'd have something to complain and boast about for years to come. Instead he sort of slipped right in—kinda like a slick weiner being put into a, well, into wherever.


I AM VICTORIOUS! AND FULL OF LOVE! GIANT MEATY MAN I LOVE YOU FOREVER!

So, of course the first thing we had to do when we got back to the cabin was to display him on a large podium for everyone to see. People came from all over the resort to see Hot Dog Man. I laughed and said to Arlette, "Man. Who knew? You get more attention rolling in with a six foot hot dog than you would in a Ferrari."

She pointed out, "You see Ferraris a lot more often than you see giant hot dogs." She was right, and it made me sad. We need more giant hot dogs in this world. [What if we could put a Ferrari drivetrain into a giant hot dog body? It would be so fast and meaty and amazing!]



Hot Dog Man was pretty dirty. So, I changed into my Hot Dog Man washing clothes and Hot Dog Man sandals and got some Hot Dog Statue soap and started to clean up My New Savior.


He looked amazing afterwards. It's incredible what a little soap can do for a man—even a man that is really a six foot tall sausage!


I'm really looking forward to my life with Hot Dog Man. Although, I'm not sure exactly where he'll live. He's pretty big. Most of all I'm looking forward to a long life of "big weiner" jokes.






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