2007-07-11

I think it's time for me to start writing here again.

I haven't written in a long time because I've been so sad and lost and I didn't want to admit it to myself. If I were to write my thoughts and feelings down then I'd have to face up to what's been going on inside of me for the last few years.

I've been so selfish and self-absorbed.

I isolated myself from everyone. As if that would make me feel better.

Running my life into the ground with drugs and alcohol and suicide attempts didn't really help. I'm supposed to be an artist and a human. But, it seems I've been a whipping post more than anything else. And, the person whipping me has been none other than myself.

A few months ago someone asked where I worked. I told them I was self-employed. They congratulated me about it. If only they knew.

"The problem," I explained, "is that I work twenty five hours a day and my boss is an unrelenting asshole."

I'm learning to be a better boss lately. I've been praying and meditating every morning. And, I start each day by writing a list of all the things I'm thankful for.

My gratitude list isn't very imaginative. It's the same almost every day. I'm thankful for my friends, family, Arlette, shoes, my health, my voice, love, freedom, money, two good hands, blue skies, blue eyes, and swimming. I don't have blue eyes. But I sure like them. And, I haven't been swimming in a long time. But, I can't wait to do it again so I always put it on my list.

I've been keeping a paper diary for several months now. It's the literary equivalent of hiding naked in a cave—shabby and rough, but very intimate. I write in sentence fragments and use ampersands and spell everything wrong and revert to a junior-high level of communication (even more than usual). These are actual quotes from my recent paper diary:

Why are girls so cute?

I've been taking lots of fiber. It makes my ass explode. I kinda like it.

I don't like hearing people talk about things I don't agree with or am not interested in.

Is what I'm saying & doing helping more people than it's harming?

Today I'm thankful for swimming, and how it's the best thing ever.

I think I need to keep both diaries. I'm not sure exactly what I'm going to do with this online one. But, I remember loving it a lot for many years. So, maybe it's time to rediscover what was so fun about it.


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