2007-12-25 10:21 p.m.

I had Christmas at my mom and Normando's house in San Jose. I brought the giant ball-shaped Christmas ornaments to give to grandpa Paul.

I dug around in my mom's linen closet to find the perfect white bag to put them in. There was this off-white pillowcase that perfectly resembled grandpa's scrotum. (Big, droopy, hairless, white.)

The family was all gathered patiently around the Christmas tree. I emerged from the spare room in my Santa outfit and let the pillowcase unfurl down between my legs.

I addressed them like a circus ringleader would, "Can anyone guess what this present is? Anyone?"

Nana immediately shouted out, "Is it grandpa's balls?" She had this big smile on her face. Not because she was saying balls. That's why I would have had a smile on my face if I was shouting balls. But, she was smiling because she's normally so bad at guessing games and trivia, and for once she had a strong hunch she would actually get the answer right. She's so innocent and cute like that.

I smiled and nodded, adding, "And—as you can see—they're actual size, too!"

Grandpa laughed so hard that he shook and his face turned red and his eyes got all squinty. I don't think I've ever seen him laugh so hard.

Nana reminded us, "Like I've always said, he's all balls."

Which brought up an important point. Adam read my recent diary entry about grandpa being all balls, and thought he should do something to help. So, on the way over to visit me he stopped and picked up a bottle of birch soda from the Russian deli. Before giving it to me he explained, "I thought grandpa Paul might need some of this. I made it a point to get the extra large bottle."

The soda had a bunch of Cyrillic writing on it—and none of it made any sense to me. All that really mattered was that the label said COK in big, bold letters across the front of the glass bottle. Adam is such a thoughtful friend.

So, I told my family that grandpa need not be 'all balls' anymore, thanks to Adam. I handed him the giant bottle of COK. He laughed even harder. I thought his face would break.

The COK bottle was dwarfed by the balls. I shouldn't have been surprised, really. My little reenactment was totally to scale. But, the most amazing part was that it was also actual size.

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