2008-01-02

THE JUSTIN WINOKUR GENIUS DIET (TM)
THIRTEEN SIMPLE STEPS

Sometimes people ask how I stay so skinny. And, there have been many times when a concerned friend or lover has suggested that I would look better if I put on a few pounds.

I know that they are just jealous of my weight control secret and are secretly plotting my death.

I don't want to die at their cruel hands. Which is why I will now publicly disclose my patented method for staying slim in the face of danger.

Prepare for the Justin Winokur Genius Diet (TM).

1) Go to Las Vegas. Complain to the front desk at the hotel because they provided a smoking room, even though you reserved a non-smoking room. Be convincing: Look weepy, squint, and fake a few coughs. When they offer an upgrade to a nicer room, accept. Ask for a complimentary meal. Accept free passes to their breakfast buffet.

2) Wake up late, grab your fountain pen and get to the buffet just as it's switching over from breakfast to lunch. This is a great way to get access to two different menus worth of food. Even though it's an accident, gloat as if you'd planned this brilliant move all along.

3) Eat exactly one plate of healthy foods—vegetables, lean meats. No carbs, no dairy, no sugar. Drink iced tea sweetened with stevia instead of sugar or aspartame.

4) This step is crucial! Once you are full, stop eating. Otherwise you won't have room to sample each and every one of the different pies that they have at the dessert buffet.

5) Bring every variety of offered pie (and maybe even some cakes, too) to your table and take pictures with them. Eat them all. Observe that the other guests and staff have noticed what you're doing. Notice how they comment as they walk by a table cluttered with pie dishes.

6) Using the fountain pen that you brought with you, take notes on each one on the back of the paper place setting.

� Cherry pie - not sweet enough
� Coconut creme pie - chalky
� Chocolate layer cake - Dense and sweet, like I like my women. Not technically a pie, though.
� Pecan pie - what the fuck is wrong with people from the South?
� Blueberry pie - not sweet enough
� Orange cheesecake pie - the orange glaze on top tastes like Flintstones kids vitamins. Chalky.
� Chocolate creme pie - average tasting, which in the case of chocolate creme pie is actually VERY GOOD. This was better than store-bought.
� Strawberry? Raspberry? Cherry? fudge pie - thick, chewy fudge with some mysterious red "fruit." What fruit is it? I can't tell.
� Pumpkin pie - the last pie to sample. Not too sweet, not too spicy, rather boring. This is what makes it somewhat comforting after eating eight other pieces of pie, sort of like the stepdad that beats you less than the ones before him, or like a tattered teddy bear to a dying child.

7) Feeling nauseated, return to your room and sleep until 3 PM. During this time your dining counterpart will be in the bathroom throwing up. Think about what a wimp she is, considering that this whole pie debacle was her idea to begin with.

8) Wake up feeling sluggish, unhappy, and guilty. It's as if there's a giant anchor to your neck pulling you down into a stomach-shaped sea of pie filling. Think, "How could I have been so stupid as to subject my body to this sort of food comedy YET AGAIN. I've been doing this for fucking YEARS yet I NEVER SEEM TO LEARN MY LESSON that even though it is funny, the JOKE'S ON ME."

9) Consider writing "I'M SO DUMB" across stomach with the nearest available pen. (But, not the fountain pen. Those don't write well on skin.)

Mike in the cafe.

10) Visit the fancy classic car exhibit for a few hours with Glenn Campbell and Maya and Mike. The pie settles; nausea fades. The morning's pie orgy feels far away and vague like a dream.

11) Go to the Bellagio holiday buffet for dinner. If the wait for a table is over two hours simply sneak past the line and sit at the bar—no waiting! Eat at least two bites of each of the following items (in order):

� Alaskan king crab legs - I ate near my own weight in these
� Beef wellington - beef with fois gras and currants, wrapped in prosciutto and puff pastry then baked
� Rack of lamb crusted with pistachios and mint jelly
� Kobe beef with cranberry compote - it fucking tastes like any other beef
� Smoked scallops
� Ceviche
� Lobster ravioli
� Venison with huckleberry preserves - leathery, but satisfying because deer are SO cute
� Herb crusted chèvre
� Unidentified Italian cheese slice with dried apricot on top
� Vietnamese shrimp spring roll
� African bluenose with spinach
� Chilean seabass
� Opah pot au feu - which is a fish, it turns out
� Grilled swordfish
� Chinese duck - eat with fingers for a greasy, slippery good time
� A very large potsticker - it had some unidentifiable meat inside
� Seafood Newburg tart - eat only the fish part and discard the pastry shell
� Lobster thermidor tart - last time I had this dish I was in Kenya and I got deathly ill
� Chicken vol au vent - a very fancy chicken pot pie
� A small, green marzipan confection - vile
� "Classic" orange glazed duck - I don't know what's so classic about it, but it was amazing
� Vanilla and strawberry creme roulade cake
� Chocolate pie
� Chocolate raspberry mousse cake
� Crème brûlée - the dessert with the most diacritics!

12) FINAL STEP. With a stomach full of lead, slog several blocks back to the hotel room. Observe: feelings of remorse, shame, and fantastic discomfort. Find yourself relating the goose that becomes fois gras. Know that you were once again duped by the devil in the mirror.

13) Find a pen. Write "I'M SO DUMB" across stomach. Take a photo of this. Collapse into bed.

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