2008-11-18 11:02 p.m.
I don't like coming home to an empty house. It's so silent—lonely. Nights are worse, too, since I'm scared of the dark. Yes. I said it for real. I'll say it again. I am scared of the dark. So, I come home and turn on all the lights first thing. ALL THE LIGHTS. Some people set mood lights—candles or whatever. For me, the perfect mood lights for in my house would be a combination of all the lights already in my house, plus some giant klieg lights (with fresnel lenses, of course), and a battery of miniature SUNS. Then I wouldn't have to feel scared because I would be well lit. And incinerated.
Darkness: bad. Light: good. Empty, alone: bad. Friend here with me: good.
I think I've just been feeling empty and alone since Claire left. And, my grandparents mash-up of health pitfalls and full-on family feud battle isn't helping. Nana has her heart-slash-lung-slash-kidney-failure thing going on while grandpa Paul has some unidentifiable pneumonia. And, as of yesterday they weren't speaking with each other and neither was speaking with my mother. My mom told me that grandpa was threatening an injunction against my mom for some reason.
An injunction? My grandparents live in a trailer park. How do they even know what that word means? I'd say that maybe they could look it up in a dictionary, but I have never once seen a dictionary in their house. Unless it was shaped like a pile of dusty knick-knacks, stale candy, or unread People magazines.
I'm getting my zen on and practicing non-action with them. I listen when they talk. I love them through their pain. But, I don't try to help or meddle. They're old and sick, but they're smart and capable of figuring out their interpersonal issues.
Plus, I need to make sure I save my emotional energy for my important moping and turning on all the lights in my house regimen.
My day was a smashing success, though. I color corrected and touched up 1,218 images from a wedding I shot last week. I opened up the new Luke Jackson CD and found that he included me in the thanks section. It's always nice to get a shout-out in someone's CD—especially when it's a good CD!
He made his album in Sweden with Christoffer, just like I did. It was fun to look in his liner notes and see pictures of Christoffer and his kids, Jens, and other familiar faces and places from so far away. It got me thinking about my next album. Will there be one? What will happen with my current, unreleased album? It's been done over a year now, and lack of money has kept me from putting it out. I need an angel to come and help me with this one—someone to take the project to the next step. And, there's no sense in starting another album if this one's not even out yet. [Or, is there?]
Last weekend was epic. I visited an albino redwood tree, got immersed in volcanic mud, drove through a giant redwood, and found a bar called AA. It's funny how I can feel down even when life is so amazing and wonderful and perfect in so many ways.
Anna once said to me, "Justin, the thing is that the way you feel is not necessarily related to the way things are." So true, so true.
But, I still don't know what to do at night in my empty little cottage. I've read all the books in the house. Some of them twice. I scrubbed every surface. Some of them twice. I've even written a blog entry. And, all the lights are already turned on.
I guess the only thing left to do when everything is done and all the lights are all turned on is to turn off the lights and get in bed and close my eyes and see what happens next.
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