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2009-09-05 12:22 p.m.


Most people that know me are familiar with my belly button issues. It's not like I actually have an issue with navels in general. It's more that my belly button has an issue with me.

For the last seven years or so it's been getting infected once or twice a year. This meant a few days of throbbing pain, which escalated into stinging pain. This is around the time when I'd start to wonder what has happening down there. So, I'd idly jam my finger into it and dig around to see what was happening.

And, each time it would explode with this fantastic mixture of pus and blood. (Mostly pus. The blood was kinda decorative, I think.)

And, don't you worry: it smelled fucking terrible. My close friends know this. I've forced—or, tricked—the ones that aren't smart enough to run away to smell my belly-button-infection finger many times.

As the years passed the infection became more frequent. And the smell got worse, which I didn't think was actually possible.

The last time I tricked Brian into smelling it he actually gagged. And, I don't mean like play gagging when someone is being dramatic. I mean involuntary heaving and choking and convulsing stomach muscles squeezing him in fits.

It was fucking incredible. I felt so POWERFUL to know that I could create a smell that would do that to someone!

But, I also felt a bit worried. Bodies aren't supposed to do what mine was doing. And, the infection was pretty much happening all the time. So, after seven years of this issue I decided to go see a doctor.


The nice surgeon told me that I needed to have surgery to remove a sebaceous umbilical cyst. Unfortunately they wouldn't remove my belly button in entirety. He informed me they'd make an incision under it and then scoop out the bad stuff and then sew me shut.

So, in case you haven't ever experienced surgery, there are three important things you should know about it:



1) You can't eat or drink ANYTHING starting at midnight before the surgery. So, if you're like, "Oh, I'm sure anxious. Maybe a drink of water or cookie would calm me down?" Well, the answer is NO YOU CAN GO FUCK YOURSELF.

2) It's like a buffet of awesome painkillers and sedatives. If you are a recovering drug addict or alcoholic, then this is pretty much your only chance to have more drugs than college and Burning Man put together without feeling bad about it.

3) Everything else about it sucks.

So, here is a photo of how my navel looked after the surgery:


It's been a little over a week since the surgery. I spent about five days in bed feeling terrible. But, now I'm up and among the living.

But, so far the most exciting part happened last night when the giant surgery scab fell off.

It totally tasted like beef jerky.


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