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2012-01-18 2:26 a.m.

Sometimes I can't sleep. This is only a problem if I actually want to be sleeping, which is what's happening right now.

There's of course the whole list of things that people say will help me sleep. Meditating, counting my breaths, focusing on nothingness, listening to audio hypnosis tracks.

I've tried it all. I need something new.

So, tonight I ate peanut butter and strawberry preserves right out of the jar with a spoon until I felt like I might throw up a little into my mouth (or any other nearby mouth.) That's not the problem, though. The problem is that I am quite obviously awake still.

On a slightly related note, I was in Sweden all last month. And, one night I accidentally had a bite of a salad with diced apples in it. You see, I'm allergic to apples. They make my mouth burn. The flesh melts apart and falls onto my tongue in strings. In the race to heal itself the human mouth is like a Kenyan in the olympics. So, everything is fine in about 48 hours. But, until then my life is always a mouthful of laceration.

Such was the case on this occasion. I asked my host for some baking soda. I thought it might slow down the process and keep it from spreading to other parts of my mouth or my throat.

So, I took a spoonful of baking soda and ate it. I don't know what was worse, the burning or the taste of baking soda. The baking soda did have a wonderful bonus, which was that it reacted violently with the acids in my mouth and created a milky, expanding foam in my mouth. If I was real quiet I could hear the fizzing as the base neutralized the acids. Science field trip IN MY MOUTH.

It looked like I had a mouthful of baby vomit—foamy, milky, puffy. I mentioned this to my friends and they agreed. And, I said something about how I'd done a lot of things, but I'd never had a baby vomit in my mouth before.

Having a baby throw up directly into my mouth is one of the last bastions of virginity I have left.

I'm not going to rush out and make it happen. I prefer to just wait and let things happen organically. You know, when the time is right.

Hopefully I will fall asleep soon. And, if a baby happens to crawl into my house and up the ladder to my loft and expels half-digested milk and baby-stomach acids into my mouth (and it overflows a little on my chin and cheeks) then I hope that the baby brings a film crew.

I'm going back to bed now. Another attempt at sleeping. And, to all the barfy little babies out there, I'll leave the door unlocked.