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2002-07-17 10:39 p.m.

People buy this stuff? Don't they read the warning label?

Andie and I went to the Walgreen's after dinner to get some contact lens solution for her beautiful and blue—yet somewhat less than functional—eyes. I asked her why she did not use the saline solution I already had at home, and she replied—pointing to the box she was about to fetch off the shelf—that the kind I had at home required rubbing, and that this one here was no rub.

Did I miss something? She said she wanted the kind that did NOT involve rubbing.

I stood shocked in the personal hygiene section as the muzak hummed to itself and the fluorescent lights fluoresced above me in their sixty–cycles–per–second dance to infinity. I tried to be reasonable and understand the situation. Maybe I am just out of touch. Maybe no rubbing is the new black or something? Gee, and I always thought rubbing was pretty cool.

But this was just not logical. What sort of complete fool would buy a product which blatantly states on the box in huge letters that using it results in a completely rub–free experience? ZERO RUBBING! Can you believe this?


Q: If I use this product, will it require me to rub anything at all?
A: No.

Q: Am I allowed to rub if I use this?
A: No.

Q: If I use this, are other people still allowed to rub me or things which are mine?
A: No.

Q: In the case that someone was already rubbing first, and then they started to use this product, could they continue rubbing?
A: Absolutely not.

Q: Wow. Not even a little?
A: No, not even a little. What are you, Captain Down's Syndrome? The box says NO RUBBING.

Since when has lack of rubbing been a good thing? What would make an otherwise intelligent person buy a product whose package carried such an obviously negative warning label on it? Since when has lack of rubbing been a good thing?

If people will willingly spurt this tragic, no–rub liquid in their own helpless, tender eyes, then who knows what else they can be duped into purchasing. Before long, I am sure mega–companies will create laundry detergent with packages boasting "NO FRIENDS" or "NO LEGS" or maybe "NO ANUS JOKES". Soon we will see breakfast cereal boasting "ENDLESS AND REPEATED KICKS IN THE BALLS" and "PANCREAS SPONTANEOUSLY BURSTS INTO FLAMES WHILE HUGELY FAT MEXICAN PEOPLE WITH BAD BREATH AND CREEPY SKIN CHASE YOU AND TRY TO HUG YOU FOREVER". It goes without saying—but I will say it nonetheless—that from there things will rapidly degenerate into a worldwide state of not–any–rubbing–ever–again–forever despair.

I don't know about anyone else, but I still like rubbing. I like rubbing myself, friends, and hell, I'll even rub complete strangers—if I think I can get away with it. So, until my life and liberty are threatened, I would like mine with rubbing please.