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2002-07-29 6:00 p.m.
There are many reasons why people dislike things about their own physical manifestations, and most of these reasons are rooted in fear. Common fears include: fear of not being understood or liked, fear of not being sexually attractive to others, and fear that people will run screaming from you, mock your grotesqueness with the people you are trying to impress at parties, burn your house down, marry your mom and convince her to disown you, embezzle your life savings and use it to bribe junkies and winos to urinate in your eyes, and then make a movie based on the true story of how atrocious, repugnant, and sexually repulsive you were before they drowned you. I am not scared of these things, though. My dislike of back hair is purely based on aesthetics. I don't like the way I look in a baggy, powder�blue FUBU jogging suit or a XXXL Wal�Mart fat woman sweater with adorable kitten and unicorn appliqu�s. Similarly, even though body hair really seems at home in 'your mama is so hairy' jokes and on the backs of hulking, gay leather daddies, I personally feel that it is just not right for me. And, it appears that when my mom and dad got drunk and had perverted hippy sex on that fateful night some 27 years ago, they forgot to instruct their perverted hippy zygotes that their possible son�to�be would prefer to not have back or shoulder hair. I am not pleased about this. In spite of this, my outlook is positive, and my shoulder and back hair have surely not prevented me from the fruits of life: success, happiness, friendship, family, and the contraction of STDs. In any case, I still want the hair gone. With this in mind, Andie�always the ever�loving, considerate model of human perfection�bought a bottle of Nair for Men for me. At first I felt wary about using this product, a strong�smelling white goop that, through a dangerous new process called 'science', physically annihilates naturally�occurring parts of one's body. But, after watching the sleek, grey plastic bottle collect dust on my bathroom shelf for two months, my reservations subsided and I decided it was time to unleash Nair for Men and its anti�hair holocaust upon my unsuspecting back and shoulders.
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