Whitening. It's not just what rich people try to do to neighborhoods. Now it's cool to do it to your teeth. Zillions of different consumer products promise that those deep mahogany planks in your mouth will soon be as white as Oakland is becoming.
I don't believe the hype. It just doesn't make sense. Think about dentists. They can whiten your teeth using toxic chemicals that little old you can't get at the corner store. Dentists are also rich and powerful. Most have laser eyes. Some even have Porsches as well. They love their laser eyes and Porsches. If these voodoo mouthwashes and strips and chewing gum were truly strong enough to bleach your teeth, it would put a dent in the dental industry's ability to convert your hard earned dough into Porsches and laser eyes. Surely they'd break into the factories that sold whitening toothpastes and mouthwashes and headbands and destroy the equipment if this stuff was legit.
So, yeah. I don't think it's gonna work.
Which is why I've decided to try yet another experiment involving inflicting bad-tasting stuff on/in my body. Does over the counter whitening voodoo work? Will dentists be forced to drive non-Porsche automobiles? Will their fancy, designer-brand laser eyes have be repossessed?
Here begins my journey into Listerine Whitening Pre-Brush Rinse. It comes in an opaque white bottle—to remind you about how white your teeth (and neighborhood) could be someday, if only there were enough of the right kind of toxic minty chemicals.
The instructions are quite simple:
Before brushing, rinse full strength for 60 seconds with 15 ml (1/2 fluid ounce or 3 teaspoonfuls), once in the morning and once at night. Do not swallow. Do not use more than 2 times a day. Results expected at 12 weeks. Results may vary.
I like the part where they convert the volume into ounces and teaspoons, in case you're either:
1) American, which means you aren't smart enough to know about metric volumes, such as milliliters.
2) American, which means you think buying whitening mouthwash is a Really Smart Idea.
Arlette bought it, so I don't have to feel bad. And, I happen to have a very cool 15ml Pyrex beaker. So, I'm so totally taking on this project. During the next twelve weeks I'm gonna use this bad tasting stuff on my teeth and also take photos to track the progress of my teeth's whiteness.
I'm hoping they end up SUPER ULTRA white—really white, you know, like those fancy loft neighborhoods in Oakland and San Francisco are these days. Of course, I'd settle for just mostly white, like late-90s Michael Jackson, since that's still way whiter than my teeth are now. My current mouth situation looks like a butter toffee ghetto, and it smells like an outdoor Mexican outdoor buffet on an August afternoon.
It can only get better, right?
Here is the first color calibrated image from the series. I'll post more throughout the next TWELVE weeks, as my mouth gets increasingly gentrified!
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