2008-04-29

Sometimes I'm sad and I don't know why. Other times the reason is so clear.

Right now I know exactly why. I'm upset. I feel taken advantage of.

Being taken advantage of isn't the same as being used. Being used is so straightforward. Someone says, "Hey, I'm gonna use you for this." It's all above board—open and honest. Maybe I'm using you for your companionship. This is OK so long as you know it.

Being taken advantage of is somewhat similar, but the difference is that the parties involved aren't being honest. For example, you could tell someone you were in it for the love, when really you were in it for the money or the sex. Taking advantage is leading someone to believe something false when you know something else is true. Why not just be straightforward?

Actually, that's an important question: Why not just be straightforward?

I think there are two reasons people aren't straightforward about what they want:

1) We get scared that people won't want to give us what we want if we tell them the truth.

2) We understand what we want well enough to ask for it properly.

Nobody likes to feel cheated, tricked, lied to. I think there's something about humans that makes us feel devalued when we aren't trusted enough to get the truth. We all want to feel valuable. Even the submissive piss pig that wants you to step on his face and torture his balls with these weird wooden handled kitchen tools you got at Williams-Sonoma and call him names while you defile him in ways that would make prison guards in Tijuana flinch, even that guy wants to feel like the most valuable piss pig pincushion in that whole border-town prison.

We all want to be valued.

Is it possible to establish value without the reflection of others, though? How does one establish one's value? What is the genesis of value?

In a third-floor room in a Motel 6 in Twentynine Palms, California, my mother snores into her sleep apnea machine in the bed near the bathroom. I took the bed by the window. I had a reason for choosing that bed, but I don't remember it anymore. I'm too tired to remember thoughts. All I can do is feel—and some basic typing on the laptop.

A wise colleague told me that if someone was upsetting me that I should pray for them until I feel better.

Why do some people have to be so smart?


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