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2008-07-20 11:19 p.m.

CMU: Carbonating My Urine Part 2

I was originally thinking that during this experiment I should carefully measure my liquid input and liquid output as sort of a little side project. By subtracting the two I could find out how much liquid was absorbed by my body or evaporated away. But, I was in too much of a rush to follow through with it. The excitement was too much. There was pee to carbonate!

It took a few hours, but eventually I passed enough liquids through me to create one liter of what would grow up one day to be effervescent urine. Like, immediately.

The Soda Club Fountain Jet is basically the best thing ever. It's a machine that lets you carbonate water or anything else you want. Of course, this means blatantly disobeying their instructions. Right on the package it says, "DO NOT CARBONATE ANYTHING EXCEPT CLEAR WATER."

Dude. Yeah, right. What kind of puritan would only carbonate pure water, what with all the hilarious liquids in this world?

When I first bought this thing I made a short, but comprehensive list of ALL the things I needed to carbonate:

1) blood

While blood was first on my list, it soon got vetoed. The machine requires you to have a one liter bottle full of the liquid you want to make fizzy. I can't imagine it's that easy to get a liter of blood that happens to be clean enough to drink. Sure, there's my own blood. I make it for free and all, but I don't want to part with it. Not for that. Plus, the idea of drinking a bunch of blood kinda creeps me out.

2) urine

Plenty of this stuff hanging around. Free urine!

Seeing as I wasn't going to carbonate blood, my path was pretty clear.

So, I screwed the bottle of chilled, liquid gold onto the Fountain Jet and pumped the actuator button five times. You're only supposed to use three pumps for normal carbonation. But, I was feeling a little reckless—I'm a fucking dangerous rebel that requires 66.6% more carbonation than all those fucking pansies.

And, well, then it was time to decant and drink. I poured two glasses. One was for me, and one was for my filthy, piss-guzzling-whore/assistant/urine-event-photographer Beth. I had two special glasses chilling in the freezer. I thought some fancy, frozen glasses would add a nice touch. The ice cubes tinkled as I dropped exactly two into each glass.

And, then, well, it was time for the taste test.

We looked at each other and giggled like nervous fourteen-year-olds before they kissed for the first time.

I carefully tiptoed into my first sip, wincing a little as the bubbles tickled my nose and the first drops touched my lips. My mouth filled with icy liquid, it swirled around my tongue, flooding my mouth with cold and the prick of carbon dioxide molecules rushing to be free.

And the taste. It wasn't terrible. It wasn't bad. It wasn't mediocre.

It was actually good. And, I don't mean good because it's so bad good, like hipsters think their ironic mustaches and bad haircuts and atrocious white belts are, when in fact they are wrong because those things are always bad and those hipsters look like total douchebags. And, it didn't taste good in that I guess it's kinda good if you're drunk or when you pretend it's good hoping to get laid from some pee drinking hippie that you want to impress sort of way.

I'm not kidding. It was actually good. It was all the things a soft drink should be: light, fizzy, slightly sweet (but not too sweet), refreshing, interesting, absolutely free, and carbonated 66.6% more than the recommended allowance.

The best way I can describe the particular flavor is a mix between Martinelli's sparkling apple cider, watered down Sprite, and extremely watered down Swedish Elderberry drink. The main component was sweet—with a slight urine smell, of course. The smell was subtle, but present. (Is it the 98.6 degree temperature of urine which makes it smell so bad normally?)

Now, it's not like my bubbly piss is the best soft drink ever. I'm not saying that at all. I prefer a good spicy ginger beer, a Cricket green tea cola, or Fentiman's Dandelion & Burdock soda any day. And, I'm not recommending that other people drink my effervescent pee juice, although it would be funny if they did.

I do know this, though: I poured myself a second glass of my bubbly treat and started drinking it without giving it a second thought.