2008-08-12 7:26 p.m.

I was walking to do my laundry and almost tripped over a package sitting outside my gate.

I figured it was probably flowers, based on the fact that it was from a flower web site and it kinda said PRO FLOWERS in giant letters up the side.

Of course, they kill you with the suspense of it all, since the sender's info isn't anywhere on the outside! Damn them!

I opened them up and carefully followed the complicated instructions, which was something like:

1) The flowers are already in a vase. Fill it with water.
2) Watch them die, since you're a douchebag bachelor and the only thing you can keep alive is belly button bacteria, foot fungus, and burning lust.

Easy enough. It's like the instructions were written for me!

I filled the vase with water and noticed there wasn't any place in my house that seemed nature-friendly. And, my mind BURNED with curiosity and questions: Who loves me? Who wants something from me? Who is sorry for something they did? Who is trying to bribe me or butter me up? Which cute person has a secret crush on me and wants to make out and needs to express this with flowers?

[For the record, if you think that buying me flowers or plying me with other gifts will work, then I have some news for you: YOU'RE RIGHT.]

I dug around in the box and I finally found the little note that would answer my questions.

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