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2002-03-11 8:09 a.m.

I have really enjoyed writing at Diaryland, and I wanted to support Andrew and all the other people who make it possible for me to write here. So, recently I payed the extra money to upgrade to Diaryland's "Gold Membership". Now, this special membership is not just cool because it has the word MEMBER in it, but it also provides all sorts of nifty features. I did not think much about that when I joined, though. I just wanted to help out and I had $30.

Well, I ended up poking around in the special member's features and found that I could see HOW people came to my page, like, if someone linked to my page and then someone clicked on that link and so on. I was amazed by what I saw. People found my page by searching on Google for PEE FOUNTAIN, PISS DRINKING, and even BUTT PIMPLES.

I was honored. I could not believe it.

So, I did a little searching around myself. It turned out that my Diaryland page was the number one site shown when searching for BUTT PIMPLES on Google! [I wonder if it is still there?] That means I was more relevant to this query than the thousands of teen advice columns or twisted Japanese porn sites. I freaked out. I called my mom, emailed my friends screen shots of it, and told everyone at work. This was like winning an Emmy or being assassinated for my beliefs. I could not comprehend how I was lucky enough to have such an honor bestowed upon me. Seriously.

I would like to thank my family, my girlfriend, my teachers, and my friends for the support they have given me throughout my life. I could not have possibly had the stamina required to achieve this outstanding accomplishment without their unending love, care, and support. And also reach–arounds.

It made me a little self–conscious, but a part of me really enjoyed it. I guess I am kind of an exhibitionist. Also, everyone likes to be noticed for the things which they hold important to them. But, it also raised important questions in my mind: Do I act the same when I am aware I am being watched? Should I? How do I censor myself, or prepare myself to deal with an expectation of public scrutiny? Do I tell the truth in all cases? How do I, and how does anyone, maintain sincerity? When we get feedback, how do we internalize this information and allow our ego to attach to it?

The thing about creating or making anything is that so often people (including myself, I am sure) get caught up in thinking "I am the creator. I am the artist." They define themselves in that fashion. But, it seems that a better path might be to think, "Right now, in this moment, I am creating. I make something, give something to the world, share something." There is no thought of the past or the future. Simply being to be and doing to do. When there is no attachment to the ego, then there will be no roadblock in the path of the creation, the living, or whatever. I will need to think more about this...