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2003-01-15 10:14 a.m.

The other day I went to the worst mall in America—Vallco in Cupertino, CA. My goal was to find a new pair of shoes. Normally I like malls. I see them as giant galleries where everything is for sale and the best things to look at are the strange people. But Vallco is a horrible, desolate place and carries no entertainment value. Vallco mall is terrible because of two reasons:

1. Almost all of the stores have gone out of business, leaving only the most crappy stores, like "Wang's Chinese Gifts" and "The Sheepskin Store" and "Calendars–R–Us".

2. Their business has waned to the point that they closed their entire food court. Yes, that's correct: they have NO FOOD COURT AT ALL. Good luck trying to get a snack or a soda here, folks.

But, what they do have is a Hot Topic clearance store. That means that they have Hot Topic stuff at at least 50% off! But, on this fine day Hot Topic only seemed to have chubby 13–year–old wannabe goth girls and shirts with stupid slogans. Oh, and a healthy supply of last year's "hip stuff"—stuff that was never in fact hip yet still remained a source of consumer entertainment for America's self–proclaimed misunderstood MTV–consumers.

But no shoes for Justin.

But, what Vallco did have was one excellent BMW with a fantastic license plate.


Obviously the coolest form of OG—aka original gangster—is the anal original gangster.

What I wanted to know is how they managed to sneak in the word ANAL. The California DMV is very strict about not letting any funny words slip by into a license plate. So, that means you can not say things like ASSCOBRA or ANUSLIK or POOPEAT or CRAPPLE. I guess that they don't think ANAL is funny or something, although I can't imagine why the hell not.

And what is funnier than a reference to OGs, obviously original gangsters? And anal original gangsters no less!

So, even though Vallco is a horrible place to shop or get a snack, it turns out that it can be a fun place to take pictures of license plates!


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