IMPORTANT NEW NOTES FROM JUSTIN:
US Tour Day 115: Pets
I'm not a big fan of pets. Ok, that's being way too nice. I think pets are a completely terrible idea.
First of all, they require tons of food and attention. A pet owner in the USA often spends from hundreds to thousands of dollars per year on their animal as well hundreds of hours taking care of the creature.
I had all sorts of pets growing up. I can say with confidence that there always seems to be something they need that involves things going into or coming out of one of their orifices. If you're not putting some food in their mouth or some salve in their eyes or special drops in their ears, then you're chasing them around trying to deal with the endless waterfalls of vomit and feces and urine that explode out of them day and night.
They're a waste of resources, too. No matter how small or how large, any pet that doesn't prepare its own food, work for a living, and clean up after itself is a tax on human life—and not just the life of its keeper. It's very simple. Let's start with food. Pets eat food—food grown with resources that could have been directed towards better ends. What if we took all the extra money that American people spent on pet food, toys, and accessories each year and put it towards cancer research or to provide free condoms in Africa, a continent whose population may be reduced by as much as 30% in the next thirty years due to the spread of AIDS. What if we took all the money we spent on pets and used it to build homes for refugees of civil wars or funded a system to provide health care for the poor?
What better way to say 'fuck the poor and dying' than with a pet? Yes, you with the horse, I'm definitely talking to you.
Then there are the other littler things, like how they get their hair on everything and chew your belongings or defecate in your shoe or right on the cover of your favorite Garfield comic book.
Or, what about when you want to go on a long weekend trip with your fun friends but you can't, because you weren't able to find anyone to come over and take care of your dog or monkey or dolphin or sea urchin for those days.
I get to go on those spur of the moment adventures. They're damned fun—some of the best times of my life. While you're picking up another one of your dog's endless stream of bowel movements, your pet–less friends like me are in France or Florida or Fiji or Finland—without you. And they're probably naked, having sex, getting drugs pushed into every one of their orifices, laughing, and generally having the times of their lives. And they're doing it on beds and couches and carpets that are completely free from pet hair.
But, today I must admit I discovered a pet that wasn't so bad: The gerbil.
Now, I'd never really considered gerbils to be actual pets before. In my mind they were just little, furry dying machines. And they don't even like humans, so there's no need to interact with them except when you throw their lifeless bodies into the garbage or toilet when they die—which you can bet will be very soon. I can't even begin to imagine how these things survive in the wild when they can't even keep themselves from spontaneously not being alive anymore while relaxing in luxurious Habitrails.
And really, what else are gerbils good for? What pet–like qualities do they posses besides portability and not having big enough teeth to seriously injure you? They don't do tricks. They don't come to you when you call them. The most amazing gerbil feat I can imagine would be to train a gerbil to somehow keep itself from dying for no good reason.
But, today may have changed my mind about these strange, little anus dwellers. While staying at Marion's place in Dunedin, Florida, I experienced some amazing leaps and bounds in gerbil technology that could revolutionize pet ownership. Her little, furry friends pushed the envelope of pet self–sufficiency by recognizing the fantastic convenience of eating their own offspring. Tender, fresh, and delivered daily!
The process was simple: There were a bunch of gerbils in a cage. They had gerbil sex. (Which gets me to thinking: What do kinky gerbils shove in their asses?) A gerbil got pregnant. Three to five weeks later gerbils were born. And then came the feast! They've perfected sustainable meat production!
Now, like I said, I'm not a fan of pets. But, I must recognize the gerbil as being one of the better pet choices in today's world. They hate humans and want nothing to do with them. They hate being alive and do everything they can to stop doing it as soon as possible. And, they're working as fast as they can to make their own food.
So, if you're considering getting a pet, I say don't. Think about the potential consequences. Think about all the other ways you could spend your money and time. But, if you absolutely have to have a pet, get smart, get efficient, get a gerbil.
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