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2002-03-17 5:31 a.m.

Today I woke up and took a shower. It felt like such a chore. I have to go to work today, which is sort of a mixed blessing. Overtime is fabulous, and working at my job is pretty fun, so I can't complain too much. There are just so many things I would rather be doing on a Saturday morning, though...

Recently, a lady friend of mine was complaining to me about something. It went a little something like this:

Her: I am upset because I was accidentally born looking like the popular ideal of beautiful—with a great smile and nice skin and blonde hair and blue eyes and big breasts that are practically under my chin—and when I wear tight clothes, people stare at me, Justin.

Me: Um.

This is a really strange thing to complain about. This particular complaint is of the same ilk as these other popular ditties:

• My parents are rich and they sent me to an Ivy League school I did not want to go to. They also bought me the Honda...instead of the Toyota I wanted.

• I am tall, thin, strikingly good–looking and intelligent. People never leave me alone—they always want to come and talk with me everywhere I go, though, and it is bothering me.

So, back to this woman. She complained about how when she wore tight clothes people stared at her. Well, duh. Normally they just have to imagine what you look like under those clothes, and now you are finally giving them the clues they have been searching for.

Attractive, thin people just don't get it sometimes—they think that they are afflicted, or, that they are the only ones getting stared at. The reality is, if you are attractive and thin with big breasts and you wear tight clothes, people are going to stare. If you are boring–looking and of average build and wear tight clothes, people are going to stare. If you are not attractive and thin, hell, if you are hideously deformed and repulsive and you wear tight clothes, people are going to stare, too. Why do hot girls think they are the only ones on the entire planet who get "mistreated" in this way?


Andie is hot and tall and thin with blue eyes and big breasts under her chin. And you don't hear her complaining, do you? No, I don't think so. She is a shining example to all people in this world of what it means to be good and right.

Of course, this is all based on the grass is greener mindset. If only I was something else, it would be better. Why do people think that being something else than what they are will make them happier? Is the grass greener? Doubt it. It turns out that if you are fat, ugly, or fat and ugly, that people do not treat you better. In fact, they make web sites to make fun of how you look like a sleeping bag full of oatmeal. Why did the attractive, thin girl cross the road? To get to the night club on the other side where the doorman was letting her in for free so that people could buy her free drinks all night. People are racist, ageist, and superficial. I wish it was not so, but it seems to be human nature. Sigh.

Hm...Maybe I am out of touch. I thought having people stare at my body was a good thing. Maybe I was confused, or something? I generally think that if you happen to be hot and thin, it is probably just plain luck and it may go away at any minute, so if you are, then better stop the complaining and milk it as much as you can while you can, before you get old and fat and ugly like everyone else in this stupid country. This can best be achieved by always wearing insanely tight and suggestive clothes. I tend to use the following rules to know if clothes are tight enough:

MEN

• Are your nipples plainly visible through the skin–tight shirt/top?

• Jewish or not? Your pants should be tight enough to display valuable religious information as well as girth and length.

WOMEN

Shaved or not? Skirts/pants/dresses should be tight enough, low enough or high enough to make this clear.

• Are your nipples plainly visible through the skin–tight shirt/top?

• Welcome to Cartography 101. Today we hope to learn something about the intimate topography of your ass and legs.

Prominent inner labia? Puffy outer labia? Inquiring minds want to know. Imaginations are for suckers.


A good example of focused steps in the right direction. In this image of me at Burning Man you can see how, although I am a tiny bit over–dressed and conservative, I am definitely on the right track.


Now this is an example of two people ready for a day at the office, the bank, the law firm, church, or really wherever. The arrows help to illustrate how they obviously got the memo about confidence, flaunting it, and dressing for success. In order to protect the innocent—which in this case is me—I have disguised their identities not because I actually care, but because I don't want them to yell me me for using their picture.




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